Sunday, February 23, 2014
So a few weeks ago I went thru my panic week. You know, that week when suddenly you realize "oh my gosh, I'm pregnant and pretty soon I won't be!" And you start thinking about everything you still have to do and buy. When you start a mental list of how unprepared you are for this baby. Whether it's your 1st or 5th, I've heard you go thru this week. It depends on the mom, if it lasts a week or longer.
I had a panic week at 32 weeks. Here are my reasons for panic :
-I went in to talk to my OB and I was asking her about being induced and meeting a pacemaker team and a cardio team, just to be ready. Well, she seemed to dodge all my questions and never really gave me a strait answer. She just kept saying that she couldn't talk about induction with me until I was 36 weeks, and even then, they could only schedule it for after I was 39 weeks. Well, that sent me it's to a panic cuz I went into labor with Danger at 38 weeks.
-I don't have a a regular cycle. I have no idea when I ovulate. My last cycle was December of 2012. If we got pregnant back then, I would have had this kid in October. Well, we have kind of have NO idea when we got pregnant with this bean. The doctors did an ultrasound at 8 weeks, well, they did an ultrasound early and measured his femur, and he measured at 8 weeks. I feel like I'm playing football : the refs just placed the ball in some spot that, eh, looks sorta right. And now, when it really matters, they pull out the chains to measure everything precisely. I feel like the doctors guessed at how far along I was and now they are measuring everything so precise and won't deviate. Anyways, I had a doctor explain to me that when they do an early ultrasound and measure baby at 8 weeks and take the due date front that measurement, it is the 2nd most accurate way to find the due date. No one had ever told me that before.
-With my new hardware (pacemaker) I'm a little jittery about going into labor. I know things can go wrong during labor without added complications, but I have a TON of added complications. And the new pacemaker just adds to the list. It's just one more thing that could go wrong. So I wanted to talk to a cardiologist up at this hospital. So when I go into labor, at least someone there knows about my heart condition, rather than me walking in there and the doctors just look at me like, Um, we have no idea what to do with you... So I'm glad I talked to a new cardio. In fact, I'm planning on switching my pacemaker services up here, closer to me. I'll still go to The U for my heart but my pacemaker stuff will happen up here.
-Shark works nights and I freaked out about all kinds of possibilities of him not being there when I go into labor. What if he's not there, who will take Danger? How will I get to the hospital? So we talked. Technically, he won't be there IF I go into labor after 4:30 pm on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or every other Saturday. He'll be there the rest of the time. And his brother is the closest (geographically) relative we have. And, if I go into labor after 4:30, his brother will be available and off work. So, we've talked to him, and he's agreed to be my person to call. Now I just have to pack The Bag.
-I've just had basic panic and anxiety about having a 2nd child. I think I'm a pretty good mom to Danger, to one child, but am I going to be a good mom when I have two? How am I going to handle having 2? What if it's way harder than I thought? What if I'm really not ready? What if I lose what very little amount of control I have? What if everything just goes south and I end being a terrible mother? What if my anger doubles with this next child and erupts and I can't control it? What if everything just mountains up and I can't take care of my house or my kids? And then, all these little fears have kinda melted away. I've been working on self esteem, self motivation. I'm a good mom to Danger. He loves me, he knows I love him, he's polite, he's learning about his world. I'm teaching him things about the world around him, and he's enjoying learning about it all, and discovering. I'm a good mom, who is trying her best. I come up short on a lot of things. Dinner isn't always cooked, the laundry is rarely done completely, my house is usually a mess, but I love my family and they know it. I keep trying, and they know I'm trying. It's all we can do, keep trying and doing our best. We're not asked to be perfect, just endure to the end.
So yes, I've been panicked. But little by little these fears have subsided. There will always be worries in my mind, but I just have to take them one day at a time.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
So today was my epic craft day. And it was so epic!!! It was so much fun! I have never had ANYTHING ever come together this easy. (Now, I did miscalculate the vinyl in my stash and had to go buy and cut vinyl this morning.) It really did just flow together. And it coming together so smoothly is another indicator that I was inspired to gather the girls and make things.
It was such a good day! I was over confident and said I'd be there at 9am. HA! I ran out of vinyl at around midnight, and the craft store opened at 9, so I had to go buy vinyl and hurry home and cut it. So I pulled in around 10:30am. But from then on, the day went great!
Ok so I forgot the frames at home, and the envelopes, but if ran home and got them real quick.
Shark got home from work around 8, and he went over to where we were going to be, and set up tables and chairs, and got it all ready for us. Then Danger and I went over and started making things. My husband is a champ. He is such a hard worker and I am so grateful for him. He is such a blessing. I love this man and he is such a support to me. He is always there for me and always willing to help me with whatever I need. He is such a wonderful man. I love him so much and I am so grateful for him. I would be lost without him. Thank you Shark, you are everything to me!
The girls had fun, I had fun, it was so much fun! I love making things, and I love sharing my talents and skills with others. I love connecting with others. I didn't make any specific craft, but I helped everyone out. I enjoyed being able to help everyone and do a bit of everything. I enjoyed just talking with all the girls and hanging out.
It was so much fun putting this together. Picking crafts to do that were worthwhile, easy to do, and budget friendly. I think I did a good job on picking crafts. When picking projects to do, I consulted with my husband, he would be the one cutting the wood and assembling things. He looked at them and told me if they were doable and easy. I love the projects that I picked. They were so fun. The girls had fun. I cannot wait to do another craft day.
Yes, you read that right. I cannot wait to plan another craft day.
It won't be for a while, maybe September. I'm gonna have a baby and fall off the face of the earth within the next 5 weeks. But I'm excited to start thinking about new crafts to make.
I've got a lot to do in the next few weeks, and thinking about crafts isn't really one of them. I really have to clean my house before this new baby comes home. I need to start organizing everything, meaning I need to put things back where they belong. That will be my goal for the next week.
Anyways, I loved doing this and I am so happy everything worked out and came together. I have been so excited the past few weeks and have been smiling the entire time. It really did come together so smooth. It really is awesome. Today was such a wonderful day.
Thank you to all who made it wonderful. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for supporting me. I love you all.
Friday, February 21, 2014
So today started out crazy. Shark came home to sleep and then went to school. Danger and I left the same time he did. I took Danger to my SIL's while I went to a doctor appointment. (I've taken Danger before but he freaks out at the doctors, not at his doctor, just at mine.) All's well on the cardio side of things. Anyways, Danger was too busy to eat anything at her house, or to slow down by the sounds of it. And he didn't nap there either. But as soon as I picked him up, his eyelids started to droop. He made it to our street before zonking out. Well, that meant he had a late nap. Which is usually ok, I try to wake him up after too long, so he sleeps at night. Well, in my process of waking him and going to a store, I totally spaced feeding him dinner, or me dinner for that matter. I had given him some oranges and some crackers, but that's what he usually snacks on during the day.
He got into pj's just fine, he even out his clothes in the hamper. He went down tp bed great, the first time. And then he got out of bed every 10 minutes until 10 pm. Around 10 I didn't hear anything, I figured he'd finally settled down, so I jumped in the shower. Nope. He came down halfway thru and knocked on the door. I shouted thru the door that he needed to go back up to bed right now. I heard sobbing and his reluctant steps going back upstairs. When I was done In the shower, I went up to tuck him in again and talk to him. I sang him his little song and then asked him what he needed. It sounded like he replied with "toast" and then it hit me. I hadn't fed him more than crackers since breakfast! Oh no!
So we went upstairs, I was getting his snack for him and he handed me his cup. I told him to sit down and be patient, I wasn't very nice about it, I'm kind of a grump lately, and he walked away mumbling something like "blue." And then he came back into the kitchen holding the balloon Shark got me for Valentines Day. He handed it to me and said, "Here, mom, balloon." I took the balloon and wrapped my little man in a hug. He noticed my anger, frustration, whatever and brought me the balloon. He drives me crazy but I adore his little tender spirit. Sometimes, when I'm frustrated, he'll come give me a hug, or pat me on the back. I love him.
I got him a snack, and made sure he had eaten quite a bit before putting him back in bed. While he was eating, I looked at him. Lately, I've been noticing how much he looks like my older brother at his age. It really is spooky. But tonight, while his mind was somewhere else, while he was stacking his hot dogs back together, he didn't look like my side, he looked like his dad. That determined thoughtful look, like he's got something to fix but in order to fix it, he has to create a whole new part. That look is totally his dad. His face was more square today than I've seen it in a while, since he turned 1, his face has slimmed down quite a bit, I think cuz he keeps getting taller. But he's been stretching more. Tonight he was his dad. I would love to know what he's thinking, just part of the time. Once he was done with his hot dogs, he noticed me looking at him and flashed me his crinkle-eyed cheesy grin, the one that shows his little gap teeth. Then he gave me a thumbs up and said Thank you, mom, I love you. I've been really pushing I love Yous lately, I want him to say it all the time.
We went upstairs and I tucked him in for the last time. It stuck. A full belly was all he needed. He didn't fuss about being hungry, he never would have told me if I hadn't asked him. He wasn't crying or anything, I guess he was just uncomfortable is all. He just couldn't get to sleep. Every time he came downstairs, he asked to read a story or to play. I always picked up the story he'd brought and I read it to him. He never showed any signs of discomfort, aside from being out of bed. I love my little fighting guy. What a champ. He is always so sweet, even when ignoring me. I love seeing new and different sides of him. He's turning into such a fun little boy. I love him so much. I always want him to know that.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
**I cut Danger's hair last week, so pictures with his mop head are older ones, and his new crazy hair cut is, of course, new!
This past month has been crazy emotional. I've been fighting my frustrations and anxiety. My emotions have been off the charts, I go from being in an amazing great mood to suddenly hollering at Danger for something. I've found a blog that has helped me not feel so crummy. Like I'm not the awful mom I feel like, like I'm not alone for having those moments of anger, or days where I don't cook dinner or so laundry. It's called Findingjoy.net and it is wonderful. She just says YOU'RE A REAL MOM! And some days I just need to remember that. I need to remember that I am the mom that my kids need and all the little things I do, they all matter! Some days, it's just what I need to hear, it gets me thru my day.
This little baby bean has been rolling and spinning and kicking. He kicks all day, but usually noon is his "quiet time" and then after Danger goes to bed, while I'm watching tv, or writing a blog post, he just kicks and spins and punches. It's exhausting. I don't know how much room he's got left, but I don't think it's much. But he is testing his limits, he's just punching everything. The thing is, he usually doesn't kick me high. He's usually kicking me below the belly button. On both sides, and my bladder at the same time. Danger doesn't have the patience to hold his hand on my belly and feel baby kick, now as soon as someone's hand goes to my belly, he stops squirming. So it's hard. It's like they're already teasing each other. I'm 33 weeks now. This is me, in my 33 week pregnant gloriousness. Just smuggling a basketball.
Danger LOVES helping his dad. If Shark is in the garage, Danger goes and picks up a tool and starts "fixing" things. Or if Shark is carrying things from the car to the house, Danger goes and helps.
Shark has been getting ready for the paragliding season. I think it's too cold, but these boys are so ready to fly. They already have and there is no stopping them. I just have to tell Shark to pace himself, he has school to focus in right now, he'll have all summer to play. But he's very good about when he flies, and he keeps everything in perspective. He's very amazing and wonderful.
Shark and talked about our Valentines Day plans, we were going low key. Like seriously. It's not like I said, Oh I don't want anything, and I was lying about it. Seriously. I told him all I wanted was Snickers and Butterfingers. No flowers, I kill them and they cost too much for me to just kill them, almost without remorse. I technically had something for him, but it was something I found in my craft room that he could use, but I didn't buy it. I found a craft organizer, a big compartment case that is perfect for his tools or fishing stuff or flies or his bullet making stuff or anything else. It's like bigger than a piece of paper and the compartments are adjustable. I wasn't using it. And then my man delivered. I got Butterfingers and Snickers for Valentines Day! He also go donuts and he got me a balloon, which Danger has since hijacked. But it was perfect. It was everything I needed. My strong man even broke the packages to shape into a heart. (I live my life with packages being opened like this, just ripped in half. I freaking LOVE it!)
Now I have a TON of pictures to upload. So this is going to be a heavy one.
So in love!
Friday, January 24, 2014
So I discovered some nifty things today. I went shopping with Danger like we always do the day after payday. He was very good while shopping with me, like he usually is, and so we went out to lunch. Now us going out for lunch meant we went to KFC and got Go-Cups. For $2.49 a piece for a meal that fills us both up, that's pretty awesome. He eats 1 of his tenders and his fries, and I eat my 2 piece tenders and his other one. Good deal.
While shopping, we meandered down the cookie aisle, we needed more graham crackers and I came across some walmart brand cookies that looked awesome.
When we got home, we ate then he went to nap. I started putting all the food away. One thing we bought was a big 10lb tube of ground beef. We're stocking up on meats in prep for our spend less month of February. I would like to have some protein around so I can just whip things up using what's in our pantry. Anyways, while I was getting ready to cut it up into 1lb parts, I was looking at the package and noticed it had some markings on it.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
With the hustle and bustle from Christmas over, with wrangling a 2 year old thru airport security and fencing him into his seat on the plane done, with school starting back up, with January almost over - I heave a small sigh of relief and fall into "my" spot on the couch. I didn't say I fell gracefully, cuz let's face it, nothing I do lately is graceful. I think I'm down to the 9 week countdown.
We left the house a mess with wrapping paper and boxes all around. We got home just to add suitcases and more toys to the mix. Our kitchen table is still stacked with gifts that haven't found a home yet. Meh. I did take down the Christmas tree (yesterday) and got out some valentines day stuff. Danger is having fun playing with my assortment of blocks that say LOVE, the little mailboxes I got when we lived in Colorado, and some little glittery red boxes that spell LOVE. I don't think I've seen any of the sets together for a while but I'm not worried, I'm pretty sure they were dollar section specials.
I had a meltdown at the beginning of the month. "I'm not ready for this baby! There is still so much I need to do! I have to buy so much!" Yes, I am ready. Sort of. I don't have a whole lot to do, just make some blankets. There is nothing really for me to buy. We have a car seat, we have clothes (holy cow! I have TONS of clothes, some Danger didn't even wear!), and bottles and binkies. We have everything for when we had Danger. I don't need to buy anything. I do buy little diapers when I go to the store sometimes, but we're pretty set on that one too. I don't know how long he'll wear each size. I don't know how big he'll be. I can't buy formula yet, I don't know what he'll drink. Besides, I've got 2 months! Basically, the only thing I can buy, and need to, is more Zantac, this kid gives me such bad heartburn. I have been thinking about buying a new diaper bag. But, I think I'll hold off and see. I really like the one I have.
My emotions have been crazy. Like way crazy. Shark and Danger have been suffering from it. Sometimes, other people suffer too. I lash out and explode at the littlest things. I feel like I'm on the edge of burning the world or bursting to tears. I think I was emotional when I was prego with Danger but not to this extreme. Shark picked the perfect time to go back to school and work nights. ;) He gets the summary of my craziness, and he gets it told to him when he's coming home from work and is half asleep. So I don't think he hears all of it. Oh well, it's for the best. He's been wonderful and supportive when he does have to listen to all of it. I also have started warning him, telling him I'm in a cranky mood, or weepy or angry. I think he appreciates that.
I've been trying to take a step back from seeing all the messes and mistakes, and focusing on my little man. I've got 9 weeks left of just me and him. I don't want to spend it with me hollering at him to pick up his cars or stop throwing his apples. I've been trying to play with him. Snuggle with him. Talk with him. Read with him. Tickle him. I've been trying to just be with him. He really is a good boy, and I need to remember : HE'S TWO! He doesn't listen to everything I say. He's into copying me, his favorite is NO. He doesn't understand everything I say. He's got a mind of his own. He doesn't know what things are called. I can't expect him to follow my marching orders if he doesn't understand them! He's an awesome little man who is figuring out the world. And he's enjoying it. I can only ask that he holds my hand and I get to follow where he goes. In our home is where he can make mistakes and make messes. It's his place of refuge. It should be his place for fun. We've been working on it lately. I've been trying to better about making it his place of refuge. Somedays are better than others.
I love my little family and am way excited to add one more crazy little boy to the mix. I'm pretty sure this one is crazy, he never stops moving, unless Shark or Danger have their hands on my belly to feel him. I love them so much and my heart is full to the brim. I cannot image finding enough love to go around. Just like I couldn't image how much I'd love Danger, I can't imagine how much I'll love the Colonel. When I married Shark, I was filled with love, it was all for him. When we found out we were pregnant, I couldn't imagine loving anyone as much, how was I going to find enough love for this little person? But Danger came, and my love for Shark didn't lessen, didn't get cut in half, it grew, the love for my boys grew. It is the same with this little guy. I can't imagine where this love is going to come from, but I know I'll find more than enough love for him too. (I'm not sure if any of that sense, but mom's understand.)
Ok- here's what you've been waiting for.