Friday, July 25, 2014

Love who you are

So Facebook has been a poster board for quotes. Some good, some annoying, some funny. I've discovered I'm drawn more to the funny and sarcastic ones, something about my upbringing....



These make me laugh and sometimes make my day. But lately there have been some heartwarming quotes on Facebook that hit a note.


This one is from the book You Are Special by Max Lucado, it is such an amazing book.

I have lists in my brain. And lately, the lists I've been reading often are SHOULD DO and DOING, and I find my SHOULD DO list is longer than the DOING list. And the SHOULD DO list is filled with mostly unobtainable things, and the DOING list is filled with feeble, lackluster tasks.

I feel like I should be doing so much more than I am. That I'm lacking as a mom. And I know I'm not the only one. With the popularity of Pinterest we are given just a snap shot of the lives, homes, children, meals, budgets of others. It seriously is just a snapshot. I feel like we are being scrutinized, not only by others but by our selves. I think we hold ourselves (and others) to such a high standard that we are set up to fail.

I know I do it. I've been trying to work on it. Something else I've noticed about the SHOULD DO list in my brain, is there is a buttload of things that do not matter. I don't have to make playdough or chalk or cut Danger's lunches into faces to be a good mom. Sometimes, and more often than not, a bowl of dry cereal, a newspaper hat or a dollar store toy is all that kid needs to smile. It doesn't take a lot for children to feel loved or to be happy.

Motherhood has both given me confidence and taken away some of my confidence. I'm more confident in who I am as a person, as a Daughter of God. But I find myself second guessing myself as a mom and a wife, the choices I make. Is this the right thing, do they need this, should this happen, am I doing this right, should I be doing this? There are so many opinions and voices in our heads and in the media. And it seems the nay-sayers are louder than ever. There are so many roads that lead to the same destination. And no matter which one we choose, there will always be someone along that path telling us "You're doing it wrong." Always. In the end, how we live our lives is completely up to us. The choices we make are ours to make. And since I can't remember the last time I tried something completely new and it came out perfect, I guess I COULD be a little more forgiving, of myself and of others. ;)

Sometimes the days are hard, being a mom, being a parent, a caregiver, is hard. Sometimes it's days that are hard, sometimes it's hours, and sometimes it's moments. There are lots of uplifting quotes and scriptures that help me. But there are 2 thoughts that give me confidence.

1) My children are mine, they always will be and always have been. They have been specially prepared for me. No one else could be their mother. They were meant for me, to be a part of our eternal family.

2) Heavenly Father knows. He knows me, He knows my boys. He knows how it all turns out. He knows who and what my boys will become. He knows who and what I will become. He knows the choices and steps each of us will take, He knows the road we will travel. We see only the moment we are in RIGHT NOW, where He sees our entire journey. He sees the finish line.

I'm starting to LOVE who I am because I AM.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Hey good looking

Well, hello there. It has been a while, hasn't it?

Things have been good. Danger showed readiness, so I went ahead and started potty training him. He picked it up so well! I've heard horror stories, but he jumped right in and rocked it. The first few mornings he woke up with a dry diaper even. Yeah, it's still a bit hit or miss, sometimes he'll run upstairs and stand on the stool and pee, standing right there, with his undies still on. Silly boy. But we're working on it. He's been a rock star at going #2 on the potty, only had 1 accident there, and we hosed him off back so we're hoping he gets the idea. ;)

July, August and September are the months we register our cars, so it's been crazy getting them ready for all of that. We were kinda surprised when the little car passed everything so well. The mechanic took note to our surprise and said, "It passed great, it's just ugly." Shark and I both laughed. Yes, that car is ugly, but it has served us so well.

Shark has been enjoying his time with Danger and the Colonel. Danger has been his little shadow when he's home. It's so fun to watch them. Shark and has been working on the motorcycle and Danger just stands there and giggles as the engine revs.

Alright, I know what you all want. Here's some pictures.

























All the love!

Friday, June 27, 2014

I will fight for you.

Dear kids:

Today we went to the children's museum. I know, there are tons of them, just know this one was freaking huge. We went with cousins and grandmas. We ate lunch together, and even dad came to visit on his lunch break. Then, I let you go play with your cousins while your amazing aunt kept an eye on you. Once I joined her, relieved her of duty, whatever, it noticed how good you were playing. She even said you had been so polite and had been sharing some of the balls- which I know is hard, because throwing balls and kicking balls is your favorite. Well, then she ran to help your cousin go down a slide, you tried to escape and I got cornered by an angry mom. Supposedly, you sat on or squished her kids face into the carpet. 

Alright now, I know sometimes you don't like to share, but I also know you don't give up on stuff that easy. And if at any time during the 5-10 mintutes you were with your aunt you sat on this kid, I know you'd still be pulling on his clothes or rubbing his face in the carpet. I know you. You're stubborn. Just like me. I love you for being like me. You don't change back from a bad mood that fast, and you sure as heck do NOT give in to your peers that fast and then forget about it. 

So, I kinda figured what she was saying wasn't true. But she yelled at me. Yelled at me for not watching you better, for not teaching you to be nice, for not keeping an eye on you to her level of satisfaction. Oh man. That did NOT sit well with your momma momma. I hollered at her back. (No cuss words, thank you!) She said I should teach my big kids to treat little kids better, to which I replied HE'S TWO!!!! I told her I was doing the best that I can (I need to do better) and I had been watching you, and you didn't do any of those things (I'm not very good at watching you) and then I told her to freaking chill out and back off. 

You are a good boy. You are amazing and wonderful, so creative and curious. I love being your mom. And you are getting so much better at being nicer and sharing is becoming easier. I also understand, it's not fair, in your eyes, that I ask you and make you share and be nice when so many of the kids around are not being either of those things. You're two year sold and it's hard to understand. Trust me, sometimes even I don't understand being nice to kids my age when they aren't nice to me, but we do it anyway. It's part of being big. And it sucks. 

She yelled at me, and it didn't make me feel good. She called me a bad mom, and that hurt so much. How dare she make a blanket statement on a single incident, no matter how big or small. How dare she cut down another mother, regardless if today is the ONE day all year I've worn makeup and actually look "all put together." It hurt how she could just yell and holler and say those things. But I understand the mama bear coming out when her little ones were in danger, cuz your mama's bad guy face came out real quick! I understand where she's coming from. I just wish it had been spoken differently. 

BUT...

I will fight for you. No matter what. I will always have your back, I will always be by your side. If you sat on some kids face in the ball pit, it's probably because he pushed you down or took a ball out of your hands. Yes, we need to work on speaking our feelings instead of acting our feelings, but that's a lesson for another day. Right now, I want you to know you can come to me for ANYTHING. I will fight for you. Always. 

The rest of the day went great. You had fun running away from me. It was all good until about the last hour, when you started to get all diabolical and junk. You're pretty sneaky and darn near invisible when you hide among the other children. 

I love you my little man cubs!

Love - mama bear

Thursday, April 24, 2014

10 things I say to my husband

I'm thinking of starting a weekly (or it end up being monthly) post called "10 Things" - I'll write about 10 things in my life. 10 things I can't live without, 10 things Danger broke, 10 things I love to eat, 10 things I think about in the car.... Here's the first try. 

So Shark and I have a very good relationship. We're very open about communicating and I think a big part of it is neither of us stews.  We don't just sit and boil in our thoughts, we don't stay mad for long. When mad or bothered, we almost immediately talk to the other. I love my husband very much, he has been there with me thru quite a lot in our 6 years of being together. He's an amazing man. We're both talkers, when we feel passionate about something we love to share it and discuss it. 

10 things I say to my husband :

1- I love you. This is a given. Of course we say "I love you" but Shark and I almost say it nonstop. We say it everyday to each other and to our children. When on the phone, we kinda use it as a filler for the dead air. But just because we say it all the time, doesn't make it mean less. Shark and I have both said, on different occasions, that we wish there was a stronger word. LOVE is great, but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough, it doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about him. The emotions are so great, the feelings so strong, and the only word I have to use is LOVE. So I use that word as much as I can. I want him to I know, to never doubt, to never ever let a day pass without my saying I LOVE YOU. 

2- How are you feeling. I have a big strong tough guy for a husband. He usually doesn't tell me when he's not feeling good. So I have to check in with him. I can usually tell if he's not feeling too hot, but sometimes he looks fine, but feels like crap. He usually tries to tough it out. And me, being his wife, who has migraines but nothing relieves the pain, so if he can take something and get feeling better, I want him to take it! Also, asking him how he's feeling is just more than just if he's sick. It's asking about he's feeling mentally, or about school, or work. I want to know if he's feeling worried or stressed, or if he's mad or sad. I want to make sure he's ok. 

3- What's your plan. My husband is a doer. He's always planning a trip or a project. If he's got a trip, I ask him what his plan is, when he's leaving, where he's going to be, when he'll be home, what he's planning in doing on the trip. I'm not trying to be nosy, but this is the husband who went on a Survival Camp last summer (3 days with NOTHING but the clothes on his back.) So yeah, I wanna know what his plan is. 

If he's got a project in mind, I want to know what he needs for it and what he's planning on doing out in the garage or wherever he'll be (he has a history of cutting himself, he jammed a screwdriver into his palm trying to use it as a lever last year.) I feel I should be prepared and at least be able to tell the authorities where he is, or how he cut himself. If needed. Besides, my husband does some pretty awesome stuff, I wanna know what he's doing so I can join in the fun, or at least support him!!

4- What do you need. This one also have different meanings. I always ask him what he needs for his projects and plans, for his clothes, or shoes, or food. I always try to make sure I have what he needs, he works kinda crappy hours and when he adds school into that schedule, he doesn't have time to get things himself. But I don't know what he needs unless he tells me. (I also have lots of stuff around the house, and sometimes I have exactly what he needs for a project. That way we don't buy extras!) 

Sometimes, I ask him what he needs from me. If he has something that he wants to do, I support him and encourage him. I think I'm pretty good about supporting him in his endeavors, but I still ask him what he needs from me. We also have an understanding, he's my out and I'm his. If there's something I don't want to do, I can use him as my excuse. Just as he can do the same and use me as an excuse. We don't do it often, but every once in a while, we need to. 

5- You are my everything. This is something we have said since we've been married. I don't know exactly where it started from but it's something both Shark and I say to each other. We got married in Utah, but moved to Colorado right after. It was just us. Neither of our families lived near us. We were married in June, in October we were told that I would need open heart surgery. He really is my everything. And I need him so much. We have been thru so much together, and I could not have made it thru everything with my testimony, my faith, my trust in God, my positive outlook, if I didn't have him next to me. And I know he could say the same. He is my best friend. He is my eternal companion. He is the love of my life. He is my soul mate. He is confidant. He is my cohort in crime. We are silly together. We laugh together. He is my everything. 

6- Yes. Shark does a lot of stuff. He's had motorcycles. He's been going paragliding. He's started MMA fighting. He goes fishing. He goes hunting. He buys guns. He usually asks me. And I say yes. Most of the time. I've learned it easier to say YES and have fun, than to say NO all the time. I'm learning this with Danger too. Now, Shark doesn't NEED my permission for anything, not really. Just as I don't really need his permission for anything. We're both adults. But if we want a harmonious marriage, asking the other how they feel about our choices is a good start. Shark and I pretty much say yes to everything, but it's a good thing to ask the other anyways. 

7- Here's what I'm thinking. I know it's kinda redundant to say that Shark and I are talkers. I'm not trying to say that Shark is all "touchy-feely" but we talk about everything. One thing he says he likes about me is that I tell him what I'm thinking and what I mean. I said it before, we don't stew. We don't boil in our anger, our emotions are right on the surface. We tell each other exactly what we're thinking. I'm usually more willing to share, I have to sorta prod Shark a bit but it doesn't take much. 

8- Tell me what you heard. This is one of my most favorite things Shark has ever said to me. After he proposed, I was figuring out what style of dress I wanted, if I wanted one with a high back or a lace-up back that would show one of my tattoos. I told him that I was wanting the lace-up back. He said he wasn't sure that he wanted me to show my tattoo. I immediately went quiet, and that's when he asked, "Tell me what you heard when I said that." I responded that with him not want to show my tattoo, I felt that he was ashamed of me. I had overcome a lot (consequences of my own choices) to be married in the temple, and if my Heavenly Father could forgive me, than no one else's opinion mattered as I walked out of the temple, sealed to my companion for time and all eternity. 

We all know that what we say isn't always what the other hears, in fact it's sorta rare to have no other meaning taken. This has become one of the most important phrases in our relationship. It helps open up the conversation for so much more than the initial words and thoughts. This phrase has helped us to completely understand what the other means, and it also helps clear the air so no emotions are hidden away or bottled up. 

9- What are you thinking. NOT negative!! Not meant like "What were you thinking?!" That is not how this is meant. I mean it like, when Shark has a contemplative look on his face and I want to know if it's him trying to figure out his propeller rotation or if he's mad about something. Sometimes someone just needs to ask what's on your mind to open the door for a longer conversation. Sometimes someone just needs to ask you what's on your mind to remind you that they care about you, that they're thinking about you. And sometimes, just knowing that someone is thinking about them and caring about them is enough to open the flow of communication. Is enough to open the heart and the mind to that someone else. 

10- I appreciate you. This one is important. I've come to understand that hearing that you're appreciated goes a long way, it can be the words that change your whole day around, it can be what pulls you out of that depressed funk. It's important to see how hard you work, either as a stay at home mom, or a working dad, but when you see how hard you work, you hopefully will see how hard those around you work. Shark works 12 hour shifts, and when he's going to school, he works nights. He works so hard, he studies so hard - but he works so hard for us, for his family, for me. I tell him all the time how much he means to me, how much I appreciate all he does for me, how grateful I am for him, how I can see how hard he works. I tell him. I make sure he knows these things. That he knows I see it, I see all that he does. I tell him how grateful I am for him, for how hard he works, for his determination, and for how he takes care of me, of us. It's important. It is soooo important for him to hear this. So important for him to hear this from me. 

BONUS- I'm a doer, and a control freak. I don't think I'm way crazy with either but I understand they are dominant characteristics. Sometimes, I'll ask Shark if he needs something and he'll say no, but I'll end up getting it for him anyway. Looking back at it, he could take it as I don't trust him to know what he wants or needs. He knows what he needs and wants, he knows. I can do that for Danger and The Colonel, get them things they don't think they need or want, but not my husband. Unless it's like deodorant or socks, then I just do it anyway. :) 

I say lots of things to my husband, and he says lots of things to me. The point is : we talk, we say things to each other. Those are my 10 things for this week, month.... 

This momma is so in love!!

Monday, April 7, 2014

Hey

had a baby!

Yeah. I totally did. 

I had THIS baby :
This out littlest man : Karson. His initials are KFC, so his nickname is The Colonel. (This is going to be the only time I'll use his name, just like the rest of us.)

He has been such a miracle to have in our little family. We love him so much.
Would you like to have story time? Alright. 

Tuesday evening (the 25th) I was having contractions. I had had contractions all day, had even timed them, some were 8 minutes apart some were 5. I had woken up the night before because the contractions were so painful. With Danger, I was induced, I had no idea what labor pains really felt like. I didn't know if what I was feeling was normal or not. So, at the request of my mother, I went into the doctor to see if everything was ok. I wasn't worried or anything, I figured : if I'm in labor, than I'll be glad I came in, if I'm not, than they will tell when to come back. 

Well, I went in around 7, I was at a 4. They kept me for an hour, moms progress at about a centimeter an hour. The nurse came back about an hour later and I had progressed but they wanted to keep me another hour just to be sure. Around 9, she came back and said she had talked to the OB on call and she had decided to keep me and have the baby that night. So I called Shark, told him to take Danger to grandma's and come over to the hospital. 

*Now, I do need to put a note in here about Danger. The week before this, Danger had a blazing fever, and had thrown up a few times, not consecutive, and he did keep liquids down and some food, it was kind of random when he'd throw up. So, little man was NOT feeling good at all. His fever did break about 30 minutes before I called Shark to come to the hospital, so we were relived to take him to grandma's and weren't worried. 

Shark got to the hospital around 10, my contractions were still going strong. I waited for Shark to get there to get my epidural, I'm glad I did cuz it was a rough one. I needed to hold his hand during it. The contractions weren't too bad at this point, but my OB suggested I get the epidural early, rather than later. Once that started kicking in, the OB started to make a plan. She had tried to figure out how to keep an eye in my pacemaker. (It ended up not even being an issue about my heart.)

Around 11, I had progressed to a 7, and the OB broke my water. The OB explained her plan to us : she wanted this labor to be not very laborious, she wanted the least amount of stress possible, she didn't want me to push hardly at all, just wanted baby to come with contractions. It sounded like a wonderful plan. 

Once my water was broken, the contractions started coming sooner and sooner. Around 12, it was noticed, after a while, that when I contracted, baby's heart rate dropped. And it dropped considerably, almost to a scary rate. My contractions were coming so close together that baby didn't have time to recover. The nurses had started to change my positions, trying to get baby's heart rate to respond. The OB started going over plan B. They handed Shark a gown, mask, cap and booties. They would continue to move me around, but we would be going into an OR, just in case I needed the c-section. 

At this point, it was around 12:25, and they wheeled me into the OR and just prepped for the c-section. I have had plenty of incision surgeries, I've got my share of scars, my share of stitches, but I have never been awake for any of them. I NEVER ever want to be awake for another surgery, EVER ever again. I would not wish that on anyone, not even if I had a worst enemy. It wasn't really painful, but it sure as heck was not pleasant. I don't really know how to explain it, pressure I guess. Lots of pressure, lots of uncomfortable pressure. LOTS. 

Our little Colonel was brought into the world at 12:33am, he weighed 5lbs 10oz and was 19 inches long. 

He is amazing and healthy and beautiful. We could not be more happy and feel more blessed. We are so in love with our little Colonel. Danger is so in love with his baby brother. He runs to help him when he cries, he brings me binkies and blankets and burp cloths and diapers. 

Because of the c-section, we were in the hospital for about 4 days. And because Danger had a fever, he wasn't able to come to the hospital to see his new brother or his momma momma!! I had called the pediatric office that first day I was there and asked about Danger's fever, and I made an appointment for the next day. And Shark took him in. Apparently, Danger had had the flu, but now had an ear infection, which is not contagious, but his fever needed to be gone for a whole day before he could come see us. 

His fever didn't return that night or the next day. So Friday, I got to hug all my boys!!! It was wonderful! 
I love these boys! They have my heart and I am the happiest girl in the world. Oh how I love them!!

Danger has been such a champ the past few weeks. Here's what's he's gone thru :
Fever, Flu, Ear infection, New brother and  4 new molars

I did not know he had gotten his molars until I looked yesterday. When did that happen?! Oh, hmmm, it was probably part of what caused his fever.... He is my little champ, my tough guy. 

Pictures!
I love my boys!