Letting Go

Hey there. I know, it has been forever. More on all the happenings in the next post. I had some thoughts about the lesson in Relief Society today.

Today was our March Circle Discussion. (I love the circle, I think it's kinda difficult to do during the last hour, and I'm bothered when people sit outside the circle. Like, seriously? Just get into the circle.) Today we walked about Prioritizing Our Lives. The lesson drew insights and quotes from Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk from April 2001 "Focus And Priorities" which is absolutely amazing!

One thing that has modern mothers (Mormon or not!) scrambling is pinterest. Seriously. With all those perfect houses and perfect meals, who isn't scrambling to add a little more perfection to their lives? Who didn't jump up and order an InstaPot on amazon as soon as those pins started filling up the news feed? And you know what? THAT'S OK! Honestly, if that's you, then own it, cuz you're awesome and trying new things to feed your family and learning/bettering a skill.

If you bought the InstaPot and realized it's not for you, THAT'S OK! Honestly. Just cuz something works for tons of other moms, doesn't mean it's going to work for you. There are tons of moms who don't "get" the InstaPot either.

 If you didn't even try the InstaPot cuz you really don't need ANOTHER unused kitchen appliance filling up your counter, THAT'S OK! Honestly! There are tons of moms who don't cook and whose children live off of cereal, hot dogs and string cheese and those kids are growing! (Trust me! I have pictures to prove it!)

The point is, what works for someone else, might not work for you. And that's ok. I can give you a list of skills I do NOT have, and for a while, being deficient in those skill sets bothered me, because what Mormon mom doesn't sing?! Well, actually, a lot of us don't sing. I realized that I was comparing my weakness to someone else's strength. And that's not fair, to me or her!

In our amazing discussion, on mother said, "I sew, that's my happy place. Sewing lets me just slow down and breathe. I helps me bring me back down so I can focus. If I don't sew, I go crazy!"

The mom sitting next to her spoke up too, "I think it's great that sewing is your skill, because sewing makes me swear. (we all laughed!) I tried to do all kinds of things, but I have had to slow down and figure out what things I could let go of to keep myself happy. I'm ok with not being a sewer or a cook. I don't cook, it's not something I'm good at. You'd be surprised how much cereal my kids eat."

And that hit me. "I had to figure our what things I could let go of to keep myself happy."

Wow.

Like wow - wow - WOW!

That got me thinking of what things can I let of (for the sake of my happiness/sanity)? What things have I already let go of?

Another insight that was brought up was that we, as mothers, as women, as the wearers-of-many-many-hats, need to simplify! How much in our lives, in our homes, do we actually use or need? I'm pretty sure my home doesn't need 20 pairs of tiny shoes, especially when there are definitely favorites being played here.

What about in my life? What if instead of a  "TO DO" list with all the things I need to do today, what if I made a "TA DA" list with all the things I have accomplished so far today?! What if the focus wasn't on what I still needed to do, how far I still needed to go, but the focus was then on what I have already done, how far I have already come?!

Often times, I feel like a video game hero (Link for example!) who has to get to level 100 to win the game. I'm so focused on where I need to go next and what I need to do still, that when I do level up (I'm level 31 btw) the thought that crosses my mind is, "Ooh yes, my lives are refilled, I can now go fight the big mega-boss at the Academy." When my first thought should totally be, "Oh wow, look at all I have done to get to level 31. Wow. Keeping those 2 monkeys alive has been so rough on me. Look at my clothes, there are bite marks on my clothes! I can't believe I survived, but it looks like Someone wants me to win, Someone wants me here."

There is so much more to life than what we need to do next. Seriously. Take a moment, to sit back and just soak in how far you've come. Look at all you have accomplished. You, my sweet friend, are a rockstar. You're freaking amazing. Brush off those shoulders, cuz you are totally a boss.

Now, if you can accomplish all that you already have, if you can survive all of THAT (whew, and it was a whole bunch!) than you, my awesome, amazing, rockstar, can totally rock whatever is coming next. You got this. You got mad skills. You have skills that I don't have, you shine with your own light, and the world needs your light. So shine, rockstar, SHINE BRIGHT!

Thoughts at 37,000 feet

So, as I sit here an a plane, somewhere over Nebraska, but next to my little and a very nice older man who Snapchatted the boarding process, I am thinking of Christmas with my family. Yeah, it's been a pretty rough, wild, crazy, and eventful 2017. So much has happened, and not all of it pleasant.

I'm reading a book on the plane, one I bought specifically so I could read it on the plane. I love the author, Gregg Luke, and I have become a fan of historical fiction, and a huge fan of LDS historical fiction, like retellings of the Book of Mormon. (Ok, they aren't retellings, they are just the same Book of Mormon stories, just with specific fiction details about the personalities of the characters.) I'm reading "The Hunter's Son" and I love it. A young Nephite is captured and sold into slavery. He keeps his hopes and his faith alive with the help of his friendship with another slave. Once they are separated, he spirals down to defeat and depression. He catches a glimpse of his reflection and doesn't recognize himself. He dives deeper into his life and thoughts and has an amazing discovery :

Just like following evil leaders, I knew that finding solace in sorrow broke the spirit, opening the door to emotional, spiritual, and even physical destruction... It had been a long time since I had opened my soul to God. I still believed in Him; I just didn't trust Him. I knew that God did not delight in the sorrows of men. But sometimes sorrow was the only thing that could bring us back to Him, because sorrow is a precursor to humility.

Wow!

*I knew that God did not delight in the sorrows of men. But sometimes sorrow was the only thing that could bring us back to Him, because sorrow is a precursor to humility.*

This helped me to look inside myself a little bit, and I realized that I am NOT a humble person. Yeah, sometimes I can be, but for the most part, I like people to see all that I am doing, see how hard I'm working. And I can honestly say, that when I'm doing things for ME, for the show of it, I feel awful. But when I'm out doing things for others, I feel great.

So I guess, my word for 2018 is HUMILITY. 

I guess we'll just see how this goes.

Work in progress

So some days I feel like I totally rock the Mom Thing. Some days I feel like I totally fail. Like major "whomp-whomp"

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Actually, I couldn't really tell you what "myself" feels like, cuz I'm pretty sure I haven't seen her in years. But in all reality, the past few months I've been a heat seeking missile with a very very short fuse, and I'm surrounded by 2 tiny volcanoes.

It's felt like anything and everything sets me off and when momma goes off the rails, oh man, you better buckle in. Shark says I'm "passionate" and very expressive, and when one emotion hits the whole tank needs to empty before another emotion can take over. Well, right now, anger, sadness, frustration and failure have humongous tanks.

Mostly anger. Yeah, that's got the biggest tank. Like freaking huge. Water tower huge.

And I'm very expressive. Ask my father in law how expressive I am during a Packer game. He got started and surprised at how I yelled at the TV. (I learned from the best football watching crew ever : my football crazy dad and uncles!) I yell. Apparently, that's my quickest reaction to everything.

Well, after taking Danger to preschool Wednesday, (after fighting him about going, and dragging his feet to find his boots, and put his pants on the right way, and then figuring out his underwear was on backwards too, and then his crying fit over not zipping his jacket, and then him having a meltdown in the car cuz he couldn't buckle) I was BEYOND frustrated. I think I yelled at him the entire 5 minute ride to preschool. Ugh.

I prayed the whole home about what to do, how to change him, how to teach him.

On the way back to pick him, I prayed again (or was it still?) but this time, as I prayed, it hit me. I was praying for the wrong thing. I needed to ask how to change myself, what I needed to do to change, to see it differently, to lead him.

I suddenly realized that I couldn't start with my children and expect that to change everything. The only way to change the way things are going is by starting with yourself.

I needed to treat my sons differently than I had been, I needed to show them love and kindness. I needed to give them an example to follow.

I discussed the new plan with Danger on the way home. Hugs and kisses, oh, and some Shaun the Sheep, please mom.

So Thursday was a day of kindness. Well, at least the morning was. There was tickling, and giggling, and laughing, and kissing, and running in circles, and chasing the dog, and lots of love. There was Ironman and Ultron and Hulkbuster. There was joy and kindness.

By Colonel's naptime I was starting to get irritated. But we had resolved/averted some issues with hugs and kisses instead of yelling and spankings. Danger seemed to be testing the waters, pushing the line. And after not helping to clean up his toys or put away his dishes this momma had tossed her hands up. (I had also had a rather sad trip to the store that sort of solidified my feeling of failure for the day.) So, Danger got to eat the ice cream he bought, and mom ate a cake in a mug with peppermint stick ice cream.

The afternoon did not pick up, although we did get the living room clean. Colonel got hold of an apple and proceeded to bite the skin off, only to spit it out. He did this to 2 apples. And lots of jumping on both couches left me feeling frustrated. I discovered that Colonel bit the tip off my tablet pen (the second one he's done that to) and I searched everywhere for it, and concluded that he ATE it. So I was sitting on the porch, literally, cooling off - both from frustration and from shoving my couches around in search of my tablet pen tip- when Shark got home.

I can say, I feel rejuvenated after my class tonight. It helped put things into alignment. Sort of readjusted my priorities. And I can see the results I want, and I can see steps of how to attain them. I know the plan will have to be refigured with each step, but I've got a battle plan to keep the anger, sad, frustration and failure away for tomorrow. We'll see about Saturday, but right now, I'm only worried about tomorrow.

Being a mother is hard, and some days I don't think I can handle it. I love my boys, and I love my husband. I love my Heavenly Father for blessing me with my family, and for calling me to be a mother. I also love Him for lifting me to the challenge that is being a mom, for making up the difference, for being ALL the difference! I've struggled with being a mom, and it's hurts my heart that some days I feel like I don't want to do it. But those boys cuddle and giggle and love me. For me, for who I am RIGHT NOW. I will never forget that. Ever.

I ignore sizes

I ignore sizes. (Not just small, medium, or large fries either!)

I've discovered during this pregnancy, that sizes are only relative to the brand. I shopped at Ross for quite a few cute maternity tops. Yeah, Ross has name brands, but they also have off brands, like WAY off brands. You know, the ones from China, where everyone is the same size, so S M L XL just means how long it is, the L is about an inch or two shorter than the XL. I had to not take it personal when the XL fit so good and I'm usually a good M fit. 

I'm bigger with this pregnancy than I was with the first, however, I lost weight the entire 1st trimester, and didn't start gaining until a while into my 2nd. (Not throwing up, just nauseous and most often, I just wasn't hungry.) So, in all honesty, I'm just now passing my "weigh-in" weight for our Biggest Loser Challenge last summer. I'm not bragging, I was pretty worried that 1st trimester. 

Anyways, sizes don't mean jack squat. Even shirts hanging right next to each other on the rack, have different size scales. I've started to hate going shopping for this reason. Don't get me started on pants. Women's pant sizes suck. Guys pants are so easy, waist and inseam! That's it! Come on ladies, let's get our junk together and make this simple. (I've heard rumor that the companies TRIED it this way but decided to makes sizes so women didn't feel self-conscience about saying their waist size. Whatever.) All I know, is the waist x inseam sizing would fix so many problems. "When will jeans companies figure out a thick waist doesn't always go with long legs?!?" I've read that so many times on forums. Just saying. 

Anyways, so I've started just grabbing 3 different sizes of the same pair of pants and trying them on. Or if I find a fit I like, like Levi's, there's a cut I specifically like, I look for that cut anywhere I go, and buy that one. I go up and down in sizes, but I try to accommodate for The Dryer. Same with shirts. If I find a shirt I LOVE, that fits great, if it's cotton, I snag the next size up (regardless of it being an XL instead of an L.) I hate that clothes shrink, but I have so much going on, I don't want to pull certain clothes out to hang dry them, that's so annoying. Ok, I'm lazy is what it is.  

Baby clothes. You'd think, if anybody had their junk together, it'd be the baby clothes market. NOPE! A NB onesie with Carter's is NOT a NB with Gerber. I got some NB onesies from Target for Danger, they didn't fit him until he was 3 months. (Ok, Danger was a small fry, BUT when sizing his clothes, I would hold them up to what fit him, and these NB onesies were freaking huge!) Most baby clothes have started putting weights on there, just like diapers, NB is 5-8 lbs, and 0-3 is 6-10 lbs, and so on. That's a bit easier. I know the size of the child is specific on the child, but most clothes in that "age size" should fit them right? (Now, I'm not going off of sizes of babies who are born weighing 10 lbs vs 5 lbs, I'm going just off of the sizes of the clothes in regards to other clothes that say they are the same size but obviously are NOT.) 

So this pregnancy, I've started ignoring sizes completely. I hold clothes up to me, sure that could fit, I go try them on, if they fit-awesome, if not-go get the next one. And when figuring out which clothes fit Danger, I put them on him. If it's small, I toss it down to the nursery for storage. If it's too big, I just roll up the sleeves, or I go out it back in storage for later. I have the baby clothes organized by visual size, not label size, meaning, I went thru each piece of clothing and held it up to the smallest thing I had and put it in a pile in relation to the smallest item. Yes, long and tedious, but now my kid will be able to wear things that fit. Shark's clothes, hmmm, his clothes are easy. He knows what fits him, and he wears it, if it doesn't fit, he'll wear it anyway until I say something and take it. Shark's got it easy. 

I've stopped tearing myself apart when it comes to sizes. I was a 00 in high school. I was so proud of being a 00, and when I started going up, 1, 3, 5, I kinda started to worry and think something was wrong. Nothing was wrong, I was just growing up. Now, I love food too much to try anything drastic about it. When Shark and I were dating, I took a look around, NO one in real life is still a 00 at age 24. Seriously. I think we all stop desperately trying to impress people (**COUGH** boys **COUGH**) and decide to be real people. In my mind, I haven't gotten bigger, I'm still the same size I was when I was younger (ok, maybe not RIGHT this very second I'm not!) We, as a society, as women, have to stop beating ourselves up over clothing sizes. It doesn't mean a darn thing if you buy a M or an XL. Your kids don't care, your husband doesn't care, why is it such a big deal? Now, one thing I'm planning, after this baby, is getting into shape. I want to be healthy, and right now, I am so not healthy, I am so not in good shape. My heart health demands me being in good shape and I've ignored it for so long, this is the year I get it all under control. Not just for me, but also for my family. I already feel limited of time, I will do everything in my power to extend my time. I believe in being healthy, but I also believe in being comfortable with who you are. You have to love the skin you're in, do things for YOU, not for someone else. Someone else won't appreciate everything you're going thru to look the way you look, YOU are the only one who sees everything you do. Anyways, be happy, any way you can, whatever you have to do, you have to be happy. 

Now, I can focus on sharing that L shake with my son. :)

I confess...

So the Friday Confessional moved... but I enjoyed doing it and I think I am going to continue confessing on Friday to the vast open-ness that is the internet.

I confess....

Some days I have NO freaking clue how moms with more than 1 kid do it! Seriously! How do you do it?! I scramble, chase, wrestle, fight, tickle, wrangle, and run after my 1 year old ALL day!! And it all seems for naught! He's not naughty or a bad guy, but he is a crazy little dude! He's all over the place, like all over the whole house!

I confess....

Sometimes I just sit around the house and do nothing. We "lock" Danger in the living room with me, with the option to go upstairs to the play room. I either play on my phone, or make lists, or plan meals, or crochet....

I confess....

I've started couponing. But it's hard and it kinda sucks. I can never get the big payouts the ladies get on TV or from the books.... So I'm feeling a little discouraged, which is sad cuz I was SOOO excited to start!

I confess....

We've been trying all kinds of things and ideas to save money. Cutting things back or out, meal planning, budgeting.... It's hard to save money when I love to spend it! One thing I've been working on is cutting out the "Dollar Section" - that's where I get sucked in and end up spending like $20.....

I confess....

My house is always dirty.... I go over to other ladies houses (and they have kids!) and their houses are usually pretty clean. Mine always looks like a tornado came thru and demolished everything. I don't want to chase after my kids all day, cleaning up after them. Therefore, my house will probably always be messy...

I confess....

I want to know where Angela (from Bones) shops! Cuz all of her dresses are dang cute, and I want them! (See, I just love spending money...)


So these are my confessions.....