You beautiful mom, you

Oh moms. Oh women. Oh ladies.

I'm going to be honest and real with you. I'm gonna level. I'm not a real big fan of how I look. I never really have been. (Ok, I thought I was smokin' hot on my wedding day and in my bridal photos!) The photos I'm sharing today, yup, not my bests...

I don't know where my negative view of myself came from. My family always said I was beautiful, ok my mom said it, my siblings did not really help build that confidence until AFTER high school... Middle school and high school were rough on me. I got picked on, ridiculed almost mercilessly. 

I was always more interested in the engineering side of everything. I loved wood shop and drafting. I helped start an archery club. I wore my brothers clothes. I didn't wear makeup or really do my hair in any style other than a ponytail. 

I was the only girl in my wood shop class, and got called a lesbian. It was hard to be made fun of for doing something I loved so much. Plus I was freaking awesome at it. I hold those projects and creations so dear. I still love building and making things. I love talking with my husband about what he's building (propellers right now) and I love drafting and design. I followed that dream and became a professional draftsman. I was the only girl on the drafting side of the projects. I got tougher though. 

As girls, we are told from birth how beautiful we are. How pretty we are. How special we are. We are told that we can do anything we can possibly think of, as long as we try and do not give up. Our families, and sometimes complete strangers, help build our confidence and strengthen us, build us up. 

When do we stop hearing that we're beautiful? When do we stop gaining that confidence? When do we stop building ourselves? When do others (and ourselves!) start the demolition? When do those sharp words and thoughts start flying?

At what point in our lives, do we, as beautiful, confident, amazing young women, allow those negative voices, thoughts, and words creep into our hearts and when and why do we ever start believing them? 

 

I'm not always (hardly ever!) happy with how I look. I'm not good at the 1-and-done selfie pic. Trust me, I take like 10 and then pick the one that I look least "offensive" and it's hard cuz my boys are only available for 1 pic! 

I'm not confident in how I look and feel in my own skin. When I sit and think about it, it's sorta sad. Look at all the abuse my skin has taken from me over the years:

-2 open heart surgeries

-countless skinned knees and elbows

-broken arm

-those years of learning to shave my legs

-my inability to remember sunscreen

-carrying 2 baby boys

-going years (probably) being technically dehydrated

-the copious amounts of superglue on my fingers

-and hot glue

-and all the pins jammed into my fingers

-my experiments with makeup

-all those greasy burgers

-all the grocery lists on my hand

-the tattoos

Yeah, skin, you've done good. I shouldn't be ashamed of you, and in all honesty, I'm not. It's just sometimes, I'm not happy looking at my skin. 

Look at that list again. Most of those are some pretty amazing things to put my skin and body thru. I should feel good about most of those. 

My body creates PEOPLE! And darn cute ones at that! How can I not be happy and confident with something that is a miracle? 

My heart is all messed up and backwards, but I'M STILL HERE! How can I not be happy and feel so blessed with something that technically and anatomically should probably NOT have functioned past my birth?

There are times I don't like how I look. And I know I am not the only one. I'm going to share some stories with you. Events that I witnessed, that made me so sad. 

#1 : I was visiting a friend, she was getting ready for work, and this friend hasn't felt good in years. Her health has been in a slow decline for a while now but she continues to push thru and she is absolutely amazing and wonderful, she's a beautiful mom and grandma and she is an incredible woman full of strength and faith! Anyways, she was doing her hair and she kept apologizing to me for how her hair looked. Honestly, it was not bad at all. She looked great! But she didn't think she looked good. It could have been that she was sick, and didn't feel good at all but she looked good! After all she had been thru, she was so sorry for how she looked. 

#2 In talking with a friend at church, she was reading a story about a "super attractive" woman, and she instantly quipped "Oh, and I didn't write that!" She totally could have written it and everyone would have agreed! She's an amazing mom to a little boy, her husband is going thru school and I'm pretty sure she works outside of the home. Why would she think she's not super attractive? If there's one thing I know about husband's and offspring, they LOVE mommas. Husbands will do anything to get "under the covers" with their wives, and children will do anything to hug, hold and kiss their mommas! These humans, who you interact with on a daily basis see and know how beautiful you are, and they don't hesitate to tell you. Why don't you believe them? Your husband picked you. He picked you to look at every day for the rest of his life, he chose you to wake up to - morning breath and bed head included! You are super attractive, trust me, if you don't trust me, will you trust them?

#3 A friend posted a picture of her awesome shirt, but she put an emoji over her face because she thought she looked awful, had just woken up, and didn't want others to see. If I looked that good waking up, there'd be way more "good morning" selfies. She's a friend of mine who married another friend of mine, and they are an awesome family and I love them. She had her 3rd baby a few months ago, and her husband works long hours, I'm not sure if she works outside of the home.  (This one goes along with #2) Those children LOVE her. I know as soon as I see my boys in the morning, I'm showered with humongous smiles and giggles and that is ALL before I have a chance to rub the sleep from my eyes or use the bathroom. Children don't care if your makeup is on, hair is styled, or even if your socks match. They just care about you. My big boy will come up and give me hugs and tell me I'm beautiful. I love that. He'll look at our family pictures and pictures from our wedding and say how beautiful I look and how handsome dad looks. He loves us. 

I want my children to be confident and strong. To know they can do ANYTHING they want to. How can I teach my boys to be confident, if they don't see me being confident? Where are they going to learn it from? 

There are qualities in myself I'm working on, patience is one. I had written on my mirror : 

The boys watch everything you do. 

Be who you want them to see.  

This momma, this one in the pictures, is the momma my boys will remember. This one, with the weird smile and sometimes lazy eye, and at some angles, a double chin. This is the momma my boys and my husband think is beautiful. This is the momma they are desperately trying to convince that she's gorgeous. Even if she's just in a t-shirt and jeans. I shouldn't have to wear my wedding dress to feel gorgeous. 

My husband LOVES looking at me. LOVES how I look. LOVES what carrying and giving birth to our 2 children has done to my body. LOVES me because I love him. Even after 7 years! When he looks at me, I feel loved, I feel beautiful. And I am so grateful for the love my husband and my children show me. 

We are beautiful creations. I know, God created each of us, with His own hands. And I know that because of how I personally am put together. It is only by some miracles that my heart functioned for 11 days before the doctors preformed surgery. It is only by some miracles that I was able to give birth to my children. I know that each of us is here for a reason. I also know, one of those reasons is to HAVE JOY! We are to be of good cheer. Not wallowing in self-doubt and low self-esteem. We are beautiful. We need to start seeing how incredible and amazing and beautiful we are. We need to start seeing how incredible and amazing and beautiful others are. We need to stop mom shaming and self shaming. Weed need to show compassion rather than criticism. 

 

 

 I also speak to myself. Please, please, PLEASE, NEVER lose that confidence and strength in yourself. If there is anything to believe in, it is most definitely YOURSELF. You, yes you, are freaking amazing. You do and can do wonderful, amazing, difficult things. You are stronger and beautiful. You are super attractive, you are incredibly smart and knowledgeable, you are amazingly strong. 

Please continue to believe in you. I love you.

From the deepest part of my broken, backwards heart, please know that you, yes YOU, are freaking beautiful! 

Toddlers are liars

We'll ask Danger a question, to which he will quickly respond "No" then, once he's thought about the question, he'll give his real answer.

Like when I ask him if he has to go potty. 

NO!

then 10 seconds later :

YES!

Do you need help?

NO?

Wait mom! I'm stuck! HELP!

Show me your muscles, please?

NO! 

Here's my muscles, and my bad guy face. 

Are you hungry?

NO!

Can I have spaghetti-os? 

Do you want to go with me?

NO!

Wait mom, wait for me! 

I have learned not to trust this little lair pants. 

On most things. 

But there are moments when I do trust him, and it's worth it. 

I love him. But I can't wait to see his tell, and read his poker face. 

Happiness

It's what we all seek. We want to be happy. We want to not be sad or feel like crap. I believe it is our natural deposition to be happy. I know that sounds weird, especially since there is so many of us who suffer from depression and anxiety. The world is a depressing place. But I also know that we were made to have joy. (Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 2:25 "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.") 

Life isn't about suffering thru, it's about enjoying the journey. Yes, it's hard, but there is so much good. 

I love being a mom. But when I was little, it's not what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to create things, big buildings, cars. I wanted to design things, I wanted to be in charge. I did that for a little while, and then became a mom. We have been so blessed that Shark's job supports us and I can choose to not work outside the home.  

Being a mom is hard. It's mostly lots of good days, with random bad moments. Bad, frustrating, overwhelming, trying... How ever you want to say it. For the most part, I'm happy. I'm a happy mom who loves playing with her happy kids. But, there are times when it's really hard for the happy to shine thru all that frustration, thru the overwhelming feeling of it all. Sometimes, that overwhelming feeling lasts for days, and it ends up spilling over into other parts of my life. 

Being happy is something, that at some point in each of our lives, we have to really focus on being. I feel like I'm at that point now. I think The Colonel might have pulled the happy out of me when he was born. 

I still struggle with the emotions from the c-section and I can't seem to find the words to even try to explain it to Shark. I end up stammering every time I try to talk about it.

I've been struggling a bit this last week with something said over the internet. Now, I like the internet. I shop, and search, and answer the questions my in-laws have. It's how I keep tabs on my football team and how I keep in touch with my family in WI. I Facebook, instagram, blog, and Pinterest. I enjoy it. 

But I hate how some people have come to think their opinion is law. I've been down in the dumps this week because some people said some things that made me feel inferior, like my opinion was wrong. And I know, I can't control what people say, just how I feel. But it's hard to let those things roll off your shoulder. 

At church on Sunday, I was searching for peace, to have my heart softened and to let it go. (Elsa makes it seem so easy to do, but this momma has no ice castle.) And as soon as I sat down in class, it hit me. Be happy. 

Be happy. 

What does that even mean?! 

The thoughts and feelings continued to flow to my mind and heart. You can only make sure you, yourself, is happy. Then worry about making others happy. "Adjust your own mask before assisting others." 

I need to focus on my own happiness, and the happiness of others will follow. I'm not meaning focus on myself in a selfish way, because when I start to list off things that make me happy, it's all being and doing things with other people. 

But I also need to surround myself with people who are going to lift me up. And I think I do. Everyone I know, lifts me to be better. But I don't need to feel like crap. I shouldn't allow myself to feel like crap, or be treated like crap. 

Sometimes I feel like I go off on some wild tangent and there's no connecting thought to these posts.

I guess what I'm trying to say is :

Be happy. Don't let others into your life who make you feel like crap. Enjoy the journey that God has put you on, and know that it ends well. Your opinion matters, but it's not fact. There's gonna be a lot of crap in our lives, just scroll past it. Find what makes you happy and share it with the world. 

Yup. No connecting thought at all. 

I posted pictures of my boys, cuz they make me so happy, most of the time. 

Find your joy. 

Hello goodbye

Hello there. I've had a revelation : if I spent the time writing on my blog instead of on Facebook, I'd have a post a day, Heck, I'd have a post an hour!

The boys have been way cute lately. 

Danger loves digging is his pile of dirt/sand/clay and mom has had to implement a ruling is inside toys and outside toys. 

The Colonel turned 6 months and absolutely loves food. He likes pickles, and I even had the camera ready for the initial "sour pucker" but he didn't even flinch, just dove right in. Momma's boy!

Some days I'm.greeted with this. 

But then it immediately melts into this. :)

We're potty training still, so most days Danger is just rocking the undies. If he wants to go outside he needs shoes (we've lost soo many socks) and he can put his boots on by himself so it's really a win-win. Those are his muscles he's showing you, by the way. 

Shark was in charge while I had an appointment and I walked in the door to find this trapped smiley thing. 

We had our first duo bath. Lots of splashing, smiles, and peeing in the tub. (That is NOT why the water is green!)

Donut day!

So many donuts!

Everytime we drive by the Ogden Temple, Danger says, "look mom, it's my favorite temple!"

So even tho things have been crazy, I've been trying some new things out. Cuz you know, the best time to try something new is when you're life is chaos. The boys and I have been listening to hymns everyday. It's been pretty calm around the house lately, well, compared to normal. 

That being said, Danger had a meltdown today and the only thing that would calm him was me singing "Everything is awesome." Go Lego song. It worked. And to add more smile to my day, I made "Where are my pants?" My notification sound. Cuz me and Danger have the sense of humor of a 3 year old boy. We giggle uncontrollably. Every. Time. 

Smile. Everything is awesome. 

Being picky

So as a mom I feel entitled to complete control over the remote during the day. (When Shark is home, we watch our cooking shows.) I pick the shows the boys watch, yes boys, cuz now The Colonel watches the moving pictures too. The reason I pick the shows is cuz I'm sitting there with them and I'm not watching some stupid mind numbing, child dumbing show.

I pick the shows but kids are also fickle. Danger gets to pick from the ones I want to watch. Some days, it's a Netflix day and we watch Justin Time, Peg + Cat, Phineas and Ferb, Dinosaur Train or a Disney movie. Other days, it's HuluPlus and we watch WordWorld, The Doozers, Fraggle Rock or Veggie Tales.  And if I'm feeling good, we watch Amazon Prime, with its limited availability of Tumble Leaf, Creative Universe,   and Blue's Room. Shows we also watch : Team Umizoomi, Blue's Clues, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Wild Kratts, Leap Frog shows, Bob the Builder, Dora, Diego, Lego shows.

If I'm in a REALLY good mood, I'll allow DragonTales, Thomas & Friends, or Super Hero Squad Show.

I DO NOT allow Yo Gabba Gabba, Barney, Spongebob, Ni Hao Kilan, or My Big Big Friend. Either for personal dislike or character flaws. We generally watch shows that are right for his age. He learned his alphabet by watching WordWorld.

Either way, I'm in charge and he watches what I let him. Sometimes if I'm grumpy, I watch my cooking shows and he just has to find something else to do or watch them with me. He likes them sometimes. Sometimes momma just needs grownups on tv, and needs a break from spelling words to music. I think he needs a break too. I know I've missed some shows either on the GOOD list or the BAD one but it just comes down to this : I pick what he watches, he picks from what I pick. We like with the arrangement.

I fully understand all moms are different and choose different things and ways and arrangements. I was bored today and wanted to post something and thought of all this as we watched WordWorld (again) and figured I'd share this instead of me whining about my sickos.

All my love.

Proof of life

So, I've come to realize you might think I'm dead. Well, I'm not. I'm good and alive. Yeah, things have been just going, continuing on, life has just been moving.

This summer has been chock full of all kinds of events. But right now, as I sit and think about what's happened, nothing comes to mind. We're not boring, we did stuff this summer, I promise!

Shark and I celebrated 6 years. Whoo hoo! We went to the SLC Temple and then to the Melting Pot.

We tried potty training for a bit. It went good at first, then slowly slid backwards. This momma just grew frustrated with a little boy who was trying. So we stopped. We stopped the anger and the yelling and the frustration. So, we're back in diapers. We'll try again when he's ready, maybe we'll try when he turns 3 - that's in 2 months! 2 MONTHS!

We went to lots of parks this summer. Shark's schedule is always the same, so the back half of the week is reserved for him to sleep. But me and the boys were hitting up parks every day there for a while.

.

We went fishing, we helped out at a charity yard sale, we got dirty, we went flying, we went hiking, we ate food, we partied.

A carnival came to Clinton, and we went to that and had lots of fun. I asked Danger to pick a ride : Ferris wheel. Well, this momma is afraid of heights. Danger LOVED it. Later that week we went back and he got to ride a few rides. Also, me and Shark got to go on a ride together.

We went on the train a few times, and if you think I like the train, oh boy, Danger loves it more. There were a few occasions where we had nothing to do so we hopped on the train. It really is nice.

I watched my babies enjoy each other's company. I watched at The Colonel discovered his hands and feet. I watched him learn to pick up his toys, and search for his brother. He watches Danger all the time. He is so jealous of Danger being up and about.

I also found a bunch of videos from when Danger was a year old. How on earth was he ever that small? When did he grow up? When did he get big?

This summer has been full of all kinds of things. My best friend moved down south. My sister moved there too. My mom, brother and sister came to see me and to take my sister to school. I'm not alone out here anymore! Granted, she's down at school, doing school stuff but I can go see her!

So yeah, we're still alive. Shark is back in school this semester, and Danger started Joy School this year.

I love these boys. 

I promise to try and blog more. :)