New obsessions

So basically it sort of started at Christmas when I got my FitBit Flex. I absolutely LOVE it. l immediately started searching about it. And I learned as much as I could about it. I downloaded the app to my Android phone and immediately changed all the stats and created a profile. I started searching for and adding friends. I even linked it to my Facebook and set it to make a daily stats update to my timeline. I never do that, I hate having apps post stuff for me. But this whole exercising thing was awesome. I felt I was truly doing something to help myself and even though it wasn't a whole heck of a lot, I still felt it was something.

I bought a treadmill in January, call me a New Years Resolutioner or whatever, but I was determined to get into shape. Not that I felt I was particularly out of shape, but I was exhausted. I have 2 little monster boys that keep me on my toes, but I felt I shouldn't be out of breath after going up our half flight of stairs to help my 3yo go potty. That just wasn't cutting it for me. I got a pair of used running shoes at the thrift store for $3, good find, but we'll have to see how they hold up or if they even really work for me. My husband's family decided to do an Atkins diet starting in January (right before my birthday!!!) so I joined it. I also decided to join in a DietBet type thing called The Meltdown Challenge, and even though I totally won and lost my allotted amount of weight (I lost 15lbs!) I forgot to do a final weigh in, oh well. I was getting my steps in almost every night, and if I didn't get them, I walked on the treadmill and watched a show. And I've got this last bit of momma-pooch I'd like to get rid of. I'm not looking to lose 50 pounds, just a few, and I'm more worried about getting into shape and getting healthy!!

Last month, I went in for a cardiac cauterization and the doctor enlarged one of my ventricles with a balloon, to help with the blood flow. Shark talked to the cardiologist because he had some questions.

1) Would exercising help strengthen my heart, and essentially give us more time before the heart transplant, or would it weaken it and make the heart transplant happen sooner?
-------Yes, exercising would strengthen my heart, it would give me more energy, it would also give me more time, but it wouldn't really make a difference.

2) About how long we were looking at until I needed a heart transplant? What was the time frame? Single digits or double digits?
-------About in there. Around 10 years is when they will really start to look at it, unless something else starts happening....

So call this a new exercise obsession, call it me trying to gain control over something I have NO control over whatsoever, call it a last ditch effort, call it what you want. I guess I feel a desperate need to change something and right now, I have all the tools to get fit and get in shape and exercise and run. Yeah my ankles and calves are burning but I am so proud that I've started something and that I've done it 2 days in a row.

I downloaded an app called C25K- Couch 2 5k. And I am so excited to use it and started jogging/running. In reading over the details of the training, I guess I'm not supposed to run on days back to back but I didn't see that until last night/this morning, so I'll be switching to either just walking tonight or yoga or Zumba or something. Part of me also feels like if I take a day off, that'll be the end of my jogging run...

I signed up for a 5K in May. My sister and I are going to do the Color Me Rad. Danger said he wanted to do it with us, we'll see how that goes. I'm not planning (nor even thought about) to RUN or even JOG the 5k, more like a brisk walk, that's all I'm aiming at. I got Danger some shades and a bought him a Color Me Rad shirt from the clearance section when I registered, he can run free. I'm pretty excited.

I know in the past, I've used my heart condition as a fall back, "Oh, I can't do that, I have a heart condition." "I can't do all those setups, run that whole mile, I have a heart condition." But when I think of the recent past, I gave birth! I've been shocked (cardio verted) like 5 times, I've hiked up mountains, I've done all sorts of things. Why on earth would my heart condition hold me back from exercising? So I'm done making excuses, I'm just going to DO!

I also feel like I have no other options. I guess part of me feels like my life is a stake, and running could be the answer... And if that's the case, than that's a pretty easy answer. So that's my plans and that's why I've got a sudden obsession with running.

Good morning Saturday

Just like everyone else on the planet, I'm afraid I'm a little addicted to my phone. I'm always browsing Facebook, surfing Pinterest, playing games.

But I'm also always snapping pictures, taking videos, posting photos, documenting my little boys and the things we do each day. (They absolutely LOVE to see themselves in photos and videos.)

I decided I need to take a break from Facebook for a bit.

There are so many other things I should be doing rather than be on Facebook. I should be cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, playing with the boys, exercising, making some of my craft orders. The list goes on and on.

I have been feeling super stressed lately. Not stressed about any one thing in particular, more like everything in general. We've been potty training Danger, beyond stressful because he gets it, but uses it as a weapon to get out of doing things mom asked him to do. The Colonel started crawling, way stressful cuz now I have to really make sure all the stupid little toys are off the floor.

I feel this need to keep up with everyone. I know, its completely self-imposed. It is my family, my life, my house, my kids and what we do is what we do. There's not even a scale to compare ourselves with others. WHY DO WE KEEP THINKING THERE IS?!? Seriously. I wish I could take a break from that, cuz that's what I really need.

I feel like I have been struggling so much lately. Struggling mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Mentally, there are things I want to do and I know I should do them but I can't seem to make myself do them. Also, my brain has been having really dumb thoughts, that don't even make sense honestly, thoughts that completely contradict reality and what I know. But for some reason, I can't shake these thoughts. Physically, I desperately want to lose this baby weight. I know what I have to do, it's just getting up and doing it. Emotionally, I've been angry lately. At everything. I hate being angry. I shouldn't be angry or sad. I have an amazing life. I should be happy, but I can't seem to be happy. Spiritually, I feel a disconnect. It breaks my heart, I love my faith, I see the effects of my faith in my life and I am thankful for them. But I feel disconnected in some ways. It could be the lack of belonging. I'm not even sure.

I know, I know. Life is what you give, what you put in. But it's hard. I'm trying to take small steps. I've already talked to Shark about all of this.

We've been listening to hymns during the day. I even bought some CDs to listen in the car. I still yell at other cars, but not as much. And I haven't been yelling at Danger lately. Well, as much. I've been burst out laughing a few times. It's been refreshing to laugh and giggle rather than holler at him. He ends up laughing too. Which makes it so much better when no one is crying.

Anyways, I guess it's just been hard lately. I know I'm not the only one to feel it. I'm not looking for anything from this blog, besides a place to write it all down. Maybe I just want to prove that our life isn't just smiles and giggles, that we're just people too.

I will fight for you.

Dear kids:

Today we went to the children's museum. I know, there are tons of them, just know this one was freaking huge. We went with cousins and grandmas. We ate lunch together, and even dad came to visit on his lunch break. Then, I let you go play with your cousins while your amazing aunt kept an eye on you. Once I joined her, relieved her of duty, whatever, it noticed how good you were playing. She even said you had been so polite and had been sharing some of the balls- which I know is hard, because throwing balls and kicking balls is your favorite. Well, then she ran to help your cousin go down a slide, you tried to escape and I got cornered by an angry mom. Supposedly, you sat on or squished her kids face into the carpet. 

Alright now, I know sometimes you don't like to share, but I also know you don't give up on stuff that easy. And if at any time during the 5-10 mintutes you were with your aunt you sat on this kid, I know you'd still be pulling on his clothes or rubbing his face in the carpet. I know you. You're stubborn. Just like me. I love you for being like me. You don't change back from a bad mood that fast, and you sure as heck do NOT give in to your peers that fast and then forget about it. 

So, I kinda figured what she was saying wasn't true. But she yelled at me. Yelled at me for not watching you better, for not teaching you to be nice, for not keeping an eye on you to her level of satisfaction. Oh man. That did NOT sit well with your momma momma. I hollered at her back. (No cuss words, thank you!) She said I should teach my big kids to treat little kids better, to which I replied HE'S TWO!!!! I told her I was doing the best that I can (I need to do better) and I had been watching you, and you didn't do any of those things (I'm not very good at watching you) and then I told her to freaking chill out and back off. 

You are a good boy. You are amazing and wonderful, so creative and curious. I love being your mom. And you are getting so much better at being nicer and sharing is becoming easier. I also understand, it's not fair, in your eyes, that I ask you and make you share and be nice when so many of the kids around are not being either of those things. You're two year sold and it's hard to understand. Trust me, sometimes even I don't understand being nice to kids my age when they aren't nice to me, but we do it anyway. It's part of being big. And it sucks. 

She yelled at me, and it didn't make me feel good. She called me a bad mom, and that hurt so much. How dare she make a blanket statement on a single incident, no matter how big or small. How dare she cut down another mother, regardless if today is the ONE day all year I've worn makeup and actually look "all put together." It hurt how she could just yell and holler and say those things. But I understand the mama bear coming out when her little ones were in danger, cuz your mama's bad guy face came out real quick! I understand where she's coming from. I just wish it had been spoken differently. 

BUT...

I will fight for you. No matter what. I will always have your back, I will always be by your side. If you sat on some kids face in the ball pit, it's probably because he pushed you down or took a ball out of your hands. Yes, we need to work on speaking our feelings instead of acting our feelings, but that's a lesson for another day. Right now, I want you to know you can come to me for ANYTHING. I will fight for you. Always. 

The rest of the day went great. You had fun running away from me. It was all good until about the last hour, when you started to get all diabolical and junk. You're pretty sneaky and darn near invisible when you hide among the other children. 

I love you my little man cubs!

Love - mama bear