Friday, December 4, 2015

Work in progress

So some days I feel like I totally rock the Mom Thing. Some days I feel like I totally fail. Like major "whomp-whomp"

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Actually, I couldn't really tell you what "myself" feels like, cuz I'm pretty sure I haven't seen her in years. But in all reality, the past few months I've been a heat seeking missile with a very very short fuse, and I'm surrounded by 2 tiny volcanoes.

It's felt like anything and everything sets me off and when momma goes off the rails, oh man, you better buckle in. Shark says I'm "passionate" and very expressive, and when one emotion hits the whole tank needs to empty before another emotion can take over. Well, right now, anger, sadness, frustration and failure have humongous tanks.

Mostly anger. Yeah, that's got the biggest tank. Like freaking huge. Water tower huge.

And I'm very expressive. Ask my father in law how expressive I am during a Packer game. He got started and surprised at how I yelled at the TV. (I learned from the best football watching crew ever : my football crazy dad and uncles!) I yell. Apparently, that's my quickest reaction to everything.

Well, after taking Danger to preschool Wednesday, (after fighting him about going, and dragging his feet to find his boots, and put his pants on the right way, and then figuring out his underwear was on backwards too, and then his crying fit over not zipping his jacket, and then him having a meltdown in the car cuz he couldn't buckle) I was BEYOND frustrated. I think I yelled at him the entire 5 minute ride to preschool. Ugh.

I prayed the whole home about what to do, how to change him, how to teach him.

On the way back to pick him, I prayed again (or was it still?) but this time, as I prayed, it hit me. I was praying for the wrong thing. I needed to ask how to change myself, what I needed to do to change, to see it differently, to lead him.

I suddenly realized that I couldn't start with my children and expect that to change everything. The only way to change the way things are going is by starting with yourself.

I needed to treat my sons differently than I had been, I needed to show them love and kindness. I needed to give them an example to follow.

I discussed the new plan with Danger on the way home. Hugs and kisses, oh, and some Shaun the Sheep, please mom.

So Thursday was a day of kindness. Well, at least the morning was. There was tickling, and giggling, and laughing, and kissing, and running in circles, and chasing the dog, and lots of love. There was Ironman and Ultron and Hulkbuster. There was joy and kindness.

By Colonel's naptime I was starting to get irritated. But we had resolved/averted some issues with hugs and kisses instead of yelling and spankings. Danger seemed to be testing the waters, pushing the line. And after not helping to clean up his toys or put away his dishes this momma had tossed her hands up. (I had also had a rather sad trip to the store that sort of solidified my feeling of failure for the day.) So, Danger got to eat the ice cream he bought, and mom ate a cake in a mug with peppermint stick ice cream.

The afternoon did not pick up, although we did get the living room clean. Colonel got hold of an apple and proceeded to bite the skin off, only to spit it out. He did this to 2 apples. And lots of jumping on both couches left me feeling frustrated. I discovered that Colonel bit the tip off my tablet pen (the second one he's done that to) and I searched everywhere for it, and concluded that he ATE it. So I was sitting on the porch, literally, cooling off - both from frustration and from shoving my couches around in search of my tablet pen tip- when Shark got home.

I can say, I feel rejuvenated after my class tonight. It helped put things into alignment. Sort of readjusted my priorities. And I can see the results I want, and I can see steps of how to attain them. I know the plan will have to be refigured with each step, but I've got a battle plan to keep the anger, sad, frustration and failure away for tomorrow. We'll see about Saturday, but right now, I'm only worried about tomorrow.

Being a mother is hard, and some days I don't think I can handle it. I love my boys, and I love my husband. I love my Heavenly Father for blessing me with my family, and for calling me to be a mother. I also love Him for lifting me to the challenge that is being a mom, for making up the difference, for being ALL the difference! I've struggled with being a mom, and it's hurts my heart that some days I feel like I don't want to do it. But those boys cuddle and giggle and love me. For me, for who I am RIGHT NOW. I will never forget that. Ever.

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