I ignore sizes

I ignore sizes. (Not just small, medium, or large fries either!)

I've discovered during this pregnancy, that sizes are only relative to the brand. I shopped at Ross for quite a few cute maternity tops. Yeah, Ross has name brands, but they also have off brands, like WAY off brands. You know, the ones from China, where everyone is the same size, so S M L XL just means how long it is, the L is about an inch or two shorter than the XL. I had to not take it personal when the XL fit so good and I'm usually a good M fit. 

I'm bigger with this pregnancy than I was with the first, however, I lost weight the entire 1st trimester, and didn't start gaining until a while into my 2nd. (Not throwing up, just nauseous and most often, I just wasn't hungry.) So, in all honesty, I'm just now passing my "weigh-in" weight for our Biggest Loser Challenge last summer. I'm not bragging, I was pretty worried that 1st trimester. 

Anyways, sizes don't mean jack squat. Even shirts hanging right next to each other on the rack, have different size scales. I've started to hate going shopping for this reason. Don't get me started on pants. Women's pant sizes suck. Guys pants are so easy, waist and inseam! That's it! Come on ladies, let's get our junk together and make this simple. (I've heard rumor that the companies TRIED it this way but decided to makes sizes so women didn't feel self-conscience about saying their waist size. Whatever.) All I know, is the waist x inseam sizing would fix so many problems. "When will jeans companies figure out a thick waist doesn't always go with long legs?!?" I've read that so many times on forums. Just saying. 

Anyways, so I've started just grabbing 3 different sizes of the same pair of pants and trying them on. Or if I find a fit I like, like Levi's, there's a cut I specifically like, I look for that cut anywhere I go, and buy that one. I go up and down in sizes, but I try to accommodate for The Dryer. Same with shirts. If I find a shirt I LOVE, that fits great, if it's cotton, I snag the next size up (regardless of it being an XL instead of an L.) I hate that clothes shrink, but I have so much going on, I don't want to pull certain clothes out to hang dry them, that's so annoying. Ok, I'm lazy is what it is.  

Baby clothes. You'd think, if anybody had their junk together, it'd be the baby clothes market. NOPE! A NB onesie with Carter's is NOT a NB with Gerber. I got some NB onesies from Target for Danger, they didn't fit him until he was 3 months. (Ok, Danger was a small fry, BUT when sizing his clothes, I would hold them up to what fit him, and these NB onesies were freaking huge!) Most baby clothes have started putting weights on there, just like diapers, NB is 5-8 lbs, and 0-3 is 6-10 lbs, and so on. That's a bit easier. I know the size of the child is specific on the child, but most clothes in that "age size" should fit them right? (Now, I'm not going off of sizes of babies who are born weighing 10 lbs vs 5 lbs, I'm going just off of the sizes of the clothes in regards to other clothes that say they are the same size but obviously are NOT.) 

So this pregnancy, I've started ignoring sizes completely. I hold clothes up to me, sure that could fit, I go try them on, if they fit-awesome, if not-go get the next one. And when figuring out which clothes fit Danger, I put them on him. If it's small, I toss it down to the nursery for storage. If it's too big, I just roll up the sleeves, or I go out it back in storage for later. I have the baby clothes organized by visual size, not label size, meaning, I went thru each piece of clothing and held it up to the smallest thing I had and put it in a pile in relation to the smallest item. Yes, long and tedious, but now my kid will be able to wear things that fit. Shark's clothes, hmmm, his clothes are easy. He knows what fits him, and he wears it, if it doesn't fit, he'll wear it anyway until I say something and take it. Shark's got it easy. 

I've stopped tearing myself apart when it comes to sizes. I was a 00 in high school. I was so proud of being a 00, and when I started going up, 1, 3, 5, I kinda started to worry and think something was wrong. Nothing was wrong, I was just growing up. Now, I love food too much to try anything drastic about it. When Shark and I were dating, I took a look around, NO one in real life is still a 00 at age 24. Seriously. I think we all stop desperately trying to impress people (**COUGH** boys **COUGH**) and decide to be real people. In my mind, I haven't gotten bigger, I'm still the same size I was when I was younger (ok, maybe not RIGHT this very second I'm not!) We, as a society, as women, have to stop beating ourselves up over clothing sizes. It doesn't mean a darn thing if you buy a M or an XL. Your kids don't care, your husband doesn't care, why is it such a big deal? Now, one thing I'm planning, after this baby, is getting into shape. I want to be healthy, and right now, I am so not healthy, I am so not in good shape. My heart health demands me being in good shape and I've ignored it for so long, this is the year I get it all under control. Not just for me, but also for my family. I already feel limited of time, I will do everything in my power to extend my time. I believe in being healthy, but I also believe in being comfortable with who you are. You have to love the skin you're in, do things for YOU, not for someone else. Someone else won't appreciate everything you're going thru to look the way you look, YOU are the only one who sees everything you do. Anyways, be happy, any way you can, whatever you have to do, you have to be happy. 

Now, I can focus on sharing that L shake with my son. :)

Panic

So a few weeks ago I went thru my panic week. You know, that week when suddenly you realize "oh my gosh, I'm pregnant and pretty soon I won't be!" And you start thinking about everything you still have to do and buy. When you start a mental list of how unprepared you are for this baby. Whether it's your 1st or 5th, I've heard you go thru this week. It depends on the mom, if it lasts a week or longer. 

I had a panic week at 32 weeks. Here are my reasons for panic :

-I went in to talk to my OB and I was asking her about being induced and meeting a pacemaker team and a cardio team, just to be ready. Well, she seemed to dodge all my questions and never really gave me a strait answer. She just kept saying that she couldn't talk about induction with me until I was 36 weeks, and even then, they could only schedule it for after I was 39 weeks. Well, that sent me it's to a panic cuz I went into labor with Danger at 38 weeks. 

-I don't have a a regular cycle. I have no idea when I ovulate. My last cycle was December of 2012. If we got pregnant back then, I would have had this kid in October. Well, we have kind of have NO idea when we got pregnant with this bean. The doctors did an ultrasound at 8 weeks, well, they did an ultrasound early and measured his femur, and he measured at 8 weeks. I feel like I'm playing football : the refs just placed the ball in some spot that, eh, looks sorta right. And now, when it really matters, they pull out the chains to measure everything precisely. I feel like the doctors guessed at how far along I was and now they are measuring everything so precise and won't deviate. Anyways, I had a doctor explain to me that  when they do an early ultrasound and measure baby at 8 weeks and take the due date front that measurement, it is the 2nd most accurate way to find the due date. No one had ever told me that before. 

-With my new hardware (pacemaker) I'm a little jittery about going into labor. I know things can go wrong during labor without added complications, but I have a TON of added complications. And the new pacemaker just adds to the list. It's just one more thing that could go wrong. So I wanted to talk to a cardiologist up at this hospital. So when I go into labor, at least someone there knows about my heart condition, rather than me walking in there and the doctors just look at me like, Um, we have no idea what to do with you... So I'm glad I talked to a new cardio. In fact, I'm planning on switching my pacemaker services up here, closer to me. I'll still go to The U for my heart but my pacemaker stuff will happen up here. 

-Shark works nights and I freaked out about all kinds of possibilities of him not being there when I go into labor. What if he's not there, who will take Danger? How will I get to the hospital? So we talked. Technically, he won't be there IF I go into labor after 4:30 pm on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or every other Saturday. He'll be there the rest of the time. And his brother is the closest (geographically) relative we have. And, if I go into labor after 4:30, his brother will be available and off work. So, we've talked to him, and he's agreed to be my person to call. Now I just have to pack The Bag. 

-I've just had basic panic and anxiety about having a 2nd child. I think I'm a pretty good mom to Danger, to one child, but am I going to be a good mom when I have two? How am I going to handle having 2? What if it's way harder than I thought? What if I'm really not ready? What if I lose what very little amount of control I have? What if everything just goes south and I end being a terrible mother? What if my anger doubles with this next child and erupts and I can't control it? What if everything just mountains up and I can't take care of my house or my kids? And then, all these little fears have kinda melted away. I've been working on self esteem, self motivation. I'm a good mom to Danger. He loves me, he knows I love him, he's polite, he's learning about his world. I'm teaching him things about the world around him, and he's enjoying learning about it all, and discovering. I'm a good mom, who is trying her best. I come up short on a lot of things. Dinner isn't always cooked, the laundry is rarely done completely, my house is usually a mess, but I love my family and they know it. I keep trying, and they know I'm trying. It's all we can do, keep trying and doing our best. We're not asked to be perfect, just endure to the end. 

So yes, I've been panicked. But little by little these fears have subsided. There will always be worries in my mind, but I just have to take them one day at a time. 

Craft day

So today was my epic craft day. And it was so epic!!! It was so much fun! I have never had ANYTHING ever come together this easy. (Now, I did miscalculate the vinyl in my stash and had to go buy and cut vinyl this morning.) It really did just flow together. And it coming together so smoothly is another indicator that I was inspired to gather the girls and make things. 

It was such a good day! I was over confident and said I'd be there at 9am. HA! I ran out of vinyl at around midnight, and the craft store opened at 9, so I had to go buy vinyl and hurry home and cut it. So I pulled in around 10:30am. But from then on, the day went great!

Ok so I forgot the frames at home, and the envelopes, but if ran home and got them real quick. 

Shark got home from work around 8, and he went over to where we were going to be, and set up tables and chairs, and got it all ready for us. Then Danger and I went over and started making things. My husband is a champ. He is such a hard worker and I am so grateful for him. He is such a blessing. I love this man and he is such a support to me. He is always there for me and always willing to help me with whatever I need. He is such a wonderful man. I love him so much and I am so grateful for him. I would be lost without him. Thank you Shark, you are everything to me!

The girls had fun, I had fun, it was so much fun! I love making things, and I love sharing my talents and skills with others. I love connecting with others. I didn't make any specific craft, but I helped everyone out. I enjoyed being able to help everyone and do a bit of everything. I enjoyed just talking with all the girls and hanging out. 

It was so much fun putting this together. Picking crafts to do that were worthwhile, easy to do, and budget friendly. I think I did a good job on picking crafts. When picking projects to do, I consulted with my husband, he would be the one cutting the wood and assembling things. He looked at them and told me if they were doable and easy. I love the projects that I picked. They were so fun. The girls had fun. I cannot wait to do another craft day. 

Yes, you read that right. I cannot wait to plan another craft day. 

It won't be for a while, maybe September. I'm gonna have a baby and fall off the face of the earth within the next 5 weeks. But I'm excited to start thinking about new crafts to make. 

I've got a lot to do in the next few weeks, and thinking about crafts isn't really one of them. I really have to clean my house before this new baby comes home. I need to start organizing everything, meaning I need to put things back where they belong. That will be my goal for the next week. 

Anyways, I loved doing this and I am so happy everything worked out and came together. I have been so excited the past few weeks and have been smiling the entire time. It really did come together so smooth. It really is awesome. Today was such a wonderful day. 

Thank you to all who made it wonderful. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for supporting me. I love you all. 

Bedtime runaround

So today started out crazy. Shark came home to sleep and then went to school. Danger and I left the same time he did. I took Danger to my SIL's while I went to a doctor appointment. (I've taken Danger before but he freaks out at the doctors, not at his doctor, just at mine.) All's well on the cardio side of things. Anyways, Danger was too busy to eat anything at her house, or to slow down by the sounds of it. And he didn't nap there either. But as soon as I picked him up, his eyelids started to droop. He made it to our street before zonking out. Well, that meant he had a late nap. Which is usually ok, I try to wake him up after too long, so he sleeps at night. Well, in my process of waking him and going to a store, I totally spaced feeding him dinner, or me dinner for that matter. I had given him some oranges and some crackers, but that's what he usually snacks on during the day. 

He got into pj's just fine, he even out his clothes in the hamper. He went down tp bed great, the first time. And then he got out of bed every 10 minutes until 10 pm. Around 10 I didn't hear anything, I figured he'd finally settled down, so I jumped in the shower. Nope. He came down halfway thru and knocked on the door. I shouted thru the door that he needed to go back up to bed right now. I heard sobbing and his reluctant steps going back upstairs. When I was done In the shower, I went up to tuck him in again and talk to him. I sang him his little song and then asked him what he needed. It sounded like he replied with "toast" and then it hit me. I hadn't fed him more than crackers since breakfast! Oh no!

So we went upstairs, I was getting his snack for him and he handed me his cup. I told him to sit down and be patient, I wasn't very nice about it, I'm kind of a grump lately, and he walked away mumbling something like "blue." And then he came back into the kitchen holding the balloon Shark got me for Valentines Day. He handed it to me and said, "Here, mom, balloon." I took the balloon and wrapped my little man in a hug. He noticed my anger, frustration, whatever and brought me the balloon. He drives me crazy but I adore his little tender spirit. Sometimes, when I'm frustrated, he'll come give me a hug, or pat me on the back. I love him. 

 

I got him a snack, and made sure he had eaten quite a bit before putting him back in bed. While he was eating, I looked at him. Lately, I've been noticing how much he looks like my older brother at his age. It really is spooky. But tonight, while his mind was somewhere else, while he was stacking his hot dogs back together, he didn't look like my side, he looked like his dad. That determined thoughtful look, like he's got something to fix but in order to fix it, he has to create a whole new part. That look is totally his dad. His face was more square today than I've seen it in a while, since he turned 1, his face has slimmed down quite a bit, I think cuz he keeps getting taller. But he's been stretching more. Tonight he was his dad. I would love to know what he's thinking, just part of the time. Once he was done with his hot dogs, he noticed me looking at him and flashed me his crinkle-eyed cheesy grin, the one that shows his little gap teeth. Then he gave me a thumbs up and said Thank you, mom, I love you. I've been really pushing I love Yous lately, I want him to say it all the time. 

We went upstairs and I tucked him in for the last time. It stuck. A full belly was all he needed. He didn't fuss about being hungry, he never would have told me if I hadn't asked him. He wasn't crying or anything, I guess he was just uncomfortable is all. He just couldn't get to sleep. Every time he came downstairs, he asked to read a story or to play. I always picked up the story he'd brought and I read it to him. He never showed any signs of discomfort, aside from being out of bed. I love my little fighting guy. What a champ. He is always so sweet, even when ignoring me. I love seeing new and different sides of him. He's turning into such a fun little boy. I love him so much. I always want him to know that. 

Focusing

**I cut Danger's hair last week, so pictures with his mop head are older ones, and his new crazy hair cut is, of course, new!

So Danger and I have been going to the Treehouse Children's museum every week. It's been very fun. A friend goes every week, we even saw each other today. Our toddlers are each running in different directions, so even if we start out together, we don't end up staying together. Danger is all over, but he loves the trains and the tool bench so we usually stay there for a while. But it's been fun to hang out with my little man, just the two of us, before this little bean gets here. Plus, I totally count all the chasing around as exercise. I'm walking and at least staying in the same shape that I'm currently in. (The plan after baby bean is born, is to walk to get fit again, to lose this baby weight and the weight from the FIRST baby!!!) So I chase Danger around this children's museum, I always try to keep him in sight, not out of worry, but because that little guy is fast. If I look away for even a minute, suddenly he's up the stairs. So I try really hard to stay with him. I've even started tricking him, if he starts to take off, I call to him and say, "Hey, Danger, momma needs help, can you come help her?" And I'll hold out my hand and he'll come grab it and pull me to where he wants to go. It's very convienient. Anyways, today, we were at the train tables, there was another boy there, and I had to keep Danger from taking his trains, and keep Danger away from him cuz he was pushing Danger away from his trains. The mom there did not look up from her phone. Then she looked up and asked her son where his sister was. Now, I'm usually attached to my phone.  But when I'm at the Treehouse with Danger, the only reason I have it out is to take pictures. I'm not texting anyone, or on Facebook (I update and post pictures once we're home) or playing a game. My time is Danger's when we're there, when he's playing and I have to chase him. I can't be half there. The whole reason we go to the Treehouse, is so we can play together. I spend plenty of time at home on my phone.

This past month has been crazy emotional. I've been fighting my frustrations and anxiety. My emotions have been off the charts, I go from being in an amazing great mood to suddenly hollering at Danger for something. I've found a blog that has helped me not feel so crummy. Like I'm not the awful mom I feel like, like I'm not alone for having those moments of anger, or days where I don't cook dinner or so laundry. It's called Findingjoy.net and it is wonderful. She just says YOU'RE A REAL MOM! And some days I just need to remember that. I need to remember that I am the mom that my kids need and all the little things I do, they all matter! Some days, it's just what I need to hear, it gets me thru my day.

This little baby bean has been rolling and spinning and kicking. He kicks all day, but usually noon is his "quiet time" and then after Danger goes to bed, while I'm watching tv, or writing a blog post, he just kicks and spins and punches. It's exhausting. I don't know how much room he's got left, but I don't think it's much. But he is testing his limits, he's just punching everything. The thing is, he usually doesn't kick me high. He's usually kicking me below the belly button. On both sides, and my bladder at the same time. Danger doesn't have the patience to hold his hand on my belly and feel baby kick, now as soon as someone's hand goes to my belly, he stops squirming. So it's hard. It's like they're already teasing each other. I'm 33 weeks now. This is me, in my 33 week pregnant gloriousness. Just smuggling a basketball. 

Danger LOVES helping his dad. If Shark is in the garage, Danger goes and picks up a tool and starts "fixing" things. Or if Shark is carrying things from the car to the house, Danger goes and helps. 

Shark has been getting ready for the paragliding season. I think it's too cold, but these boys are so ready to fly. They already have and there is no stopping them. I just have to tell Shark to pace himself, he has school to focus in right now, he'll have all summer to play. But he's very good about when he flies, and he keeps everything in perspective. He's very amazing and wonderful. 

Shark and talked about our Valentines Day plans, we were going low key. Like seriously. It's not like I said, Oh I don't want anything, and I was lying about it. Seriously. I told him all I wanted was Snickers and Butterfingers. No flowers, I kill them and they cost too much for me to just kill them, almost without remorse. I technically had something for him, but it was something I found in my craft room that he could use, but I didn't buy it. I found a craft organizer, a big compartment case that is perfect for his tools or fishing stuff or flies or his bullet making stuff or anything else. It's like bigger than a piece of paper and the compartments are adjustable. I wasn't using it. And then my man delivered. I got Butterfingers and Snickers for Valentines Day! He also go donuts and he got me a balloon, which Danger has since hijacked. But it was perfect. It was everything I needed. My strong man even broke the packages to shape into a heart. (I live my life with packages being opened like this, just ripped in half. I freaking LOVE it!)

Now I have a TON of pictures to upload. So this is going to be a heavy one. 

I love this boy. He is so funny. Some days he LOVES to take pictures (mostly so we can go back and look at them again) but some days it is a fight to get him to sit still and look at the camera. I love catching him in a silly-photo moment. I like when he snuggles with me. He's a cute little snuggler. I enjoy spending time with my little boys, the little one just hangs out in his waterbed all day, and Danger just plays. I'm getting even more excited to meet little brother. I know it'll be a while before his personality shows, and I know we're still discovering Danger's but I am so excited to see the baby and teach Danger about him and play with him. I'm excited to see how Danger handles being a big brother. I think he'll be fine and he'll be a good big brother, but it'll be fun to see, cuz I know Danger doesn't really get it yet. He kisses "the baby" on my tummy, but he also hugs any older person cuz he thinks they're grandma or grandpa. He's got no clue. I'm excited for everything to come, a little nervous but I hear that happens every time a new child is added to the mix. 

So in love!