Panic

So a few weeks ago I went thru my panic week. You know, that week when suddenly you realize "oh my gosh, I'm pregnant and pretty soon I won't be!" And you start thinking about everything you still have to do and buy. When you start a mental list of how unprepared you are for this baby. Whether it's your 1st or 5th, I've heard you go thru this week. It depends on the mom, if it lasts a week or longer. 

I had a panic week at 32 weeks. Here are my reasons for panic :

-I went in to talk to my OB and I was asking her about being induced and meeting a pacemaker team and a cardio team, just to be ready. Well, she seemed to dodge all my questions and never really gave me a strait answer. She just kept saying that she couldn't talk about induction with me until I was 36 weeks, and even then, they could only schedule it for after I was 39 weeks. Well, that sent me it's to a panic cuz I went into labor with Danger at 38 weeks. 

-I don't have a a regular cycle. I have no idea when I ovulate. My last cycle was December of 2012. If we got pregnant back then, I would have had this kid in October. Well, we have kind of have NO idea when we got pregnant with this bean. The doctors did an ultrasound at 8 weeks, well, they did an ultrasound early and measured his femur, and he measured at 8 weeks. I feel like I'm playing football : the refs just placed the ball in some spot that, eh, looks sorta right. And now, when it really matters, they pull out the chains to measure everything precisely. I feel like the doctors guessed at how far along I was and now they are measuring everything so precise and won't deviate. Anyways, I had a doctor explain to me that  when they do an early ultrasound and measure baby at 8 weeks and take the due date front that measurement, it is the 2nd most accurate way to find the due date. No one had ever told me that before. 

-With my new hardware (pacemaker) I'm a little jittery about going into labor. I know things can go wrong during labor without added complications, but I have a TON of added complications. And the new pacemaker just adds to the list. It's just one more thing that could go wrong. So I wanted to talk to a cardiologist up at this hospital. So when I go into labor, at least someone there knows about my heart condition, rather than me walking in there and the doctors just look at me like, Um, we have no idea what to do with you... So I'm glad I talked to a new cardio. In fact, I'm planning on switching my pacemaker services up here, closer to me. I'll still go to The U for my heart but my pacemaker stuff will happen up here. 

-Shark works nights and I freaked out about all kinds of possibilities of him not being there when I go into labor. What if he's not there, who will take Danger? How will I get to the hospital? So we talked. Technically, he won't be there IF I go into labor after 4:30 pm on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or every other Saturday. He'll be there the rest of the time. And his brother is the closest (geographically) relative we have. And, if I go into labor after 4:30, his brother will be available and off work. So, we've talked to him, and he's agreed to be my person to call. Now I just have to pack The Bag. 

-I've just had basic panic and anxiety about having a 2nd child. I think I'm a pretty good mom to Danger, to one child, but am I going to be a good mom when I have two? How am I going to handle having 2? What if it's way harder than I thought? What if I'm really not ready? What if I lose what very little amount of control I have? What if everything just goes south and I end being a terrible mother? What if my anger doubles with this next child and erupts and I can't control it? What if everything just mountains up and I can't take care of my house or my kids? And then, all these little fears have kinda melted away. I've been working on self esteem, self motivation. I'm a good mom to Danger. He loves me, he knows I love him, he's polite, he's learning about his world. I'm teaching him things about the world around him, and he's enjoying learning about it all, and discovering. I'm a good mom, who is trying her best. I come up short on a lot of things. Dinner isn't always cooked, the laundry is rarely done completely, my house is usually a mess, but I love my family and they know it. I keep trying, and they know I'm trying. It's all we can do, keep trying and doing our best. We're not asked to be perfect, just endure to the end. 

So yes, I've been panicked. But little by little these fears have subsided. There will always be worries in my mind, but I just have to take them one day at a time.