Saturday, April 20, 2013

Finding the strength

So some days it's hard to battle that inner voice that keeps telling me

"You're not good enough"

"You're doing it wrong."

"Are you sure that's how everyone else is getting it done?"

"That doesn't look like the tutorial."

The feeling of lacking and inadequacy is daunting.... I know I will never be a Pinterest Mom, and my house will never be that perfect Pinterest House.

A while ago, I got so annoyed with that. Knowing my house is probably always going look like a tornado blew thru it. There will probably always be laundry baskets sitting in the living room. Danger's shoes and toys thrown around. My table will probably always have a mismatched arrangement of forks and cups with some craft supplies for good measure, maybe even some socks, if I'm lucky. My counter will probably always have my crock pot, measuring cups, cookbooks and that loaf of bread or two on it.

I've slowly come to accept this. Why?

Because for the past little bit I have tried. Tried to keep everything clean, sorted and out of the way. And while I have been trying, I've noticed a few things.

1. I have more headaches.
2. I clench my teeth more.
3. I don't eat as much, like ever...
4. I yell more.
5. I've been more angry, for no stinking reason.
6. Danger has been in more trouble lately - not really, but I've been on edge and so "done" with everything

And I realized, I don't want to be "that" mom. The mad mom, the nagging mom, the pushy mom. I don't want Danger to be in trouble all the time. I don't want these headaches. I don't want to yell.

I want Danger to know I love him, know because I play with him, and dance with him and tickle him and be goofy.

Last night Danger woke up crying (I'm not sure if it's night terrors or something) but I went in there (Shark is dead to world when he's asleep!) and cuddled him up in a blanket and rocked him back to sleep. I stroked his hair to calm him down, and after about 5 minutes his sobbing had slowed to every few breaths. And then when I laid him back down, he was fine.

I want to share moments of mom victories like that. I want to share my love of this gospel with him. I want to share my love and appreciation for Temples with him. I want to share my love of movies and video games with him. I want to have fun always have him smiling.

Now, I know it's not possible to have him smiling all the time. But I'd like to make him a happy little boy.

I find my strength and knowledge that I'm doing things just right thru the gospel and my friends around me. I find comfort in reading the scriptures and listening to the words of the Prophet and His Apostles. I know that what I'm doing in my life is right for me, it may not be right by other standards and it may not be right anyone else, but I know it's right for me.

So if you're coming over to the house, don't be shocked if looks like we actually live here. I'll probably clean up a bit if you give me notice that you're coming.

I love that little man so much, and I love my little family. I want more than anything for my family and I to be happy. And if happy means a messy house, then by all means, our house is probably going to be the messiest on the block. Messy it will be, but you can bet, I know where everything is! (It always amazes Shark!)

I try to smile and make Danger smile each day. Find something to be happy about. Most days it's pretty easy to find something to smile about, some days it's kinda hard. But for the most part, that little guy makes it easy to smile. :)

And then, there are those little victories, like spelling inadequacy correctly on the first try!

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